Rampant Heathen

Harry Potter Jokes

2007-08-03T01:39:00.001Z

This is why I shouldn't be allowed access to a phone. It got to 1am and I decided I was bored so I called a friend, and between us, we composed a list of over 100 Harry Potter jokes.

God shall damn me to hell.

1. What do you find in Dumbledore's Hat?
Dumbledore's Head

2. What is Harry Potter's favourite film?
Scarface

3. How does Harry Potter change a lightbulb?
He holds the bulb up and expects the world to revolve around him

4. How many Death Eaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None! The dark shall triumph!

5. How many Hufflepuffs does it take to change a bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to lament being a Hufflepuff.

6. How many Gryffindors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. Harry to take the old bulb out, Ron to put a new bulb in, Hermione to liberate the lightbulb and Neville to replace the liberated bulb.

7. What do you call someone who dabbles in the Dark Arts?
A Death Nibbler.

8. What is the Order of the Phoenix?
A double cheese burger and fries, please.

9. What is the alternative name of the Goblet of Fire?
A flaming margherita.

10. How many Ravenclaws does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The claw is not the most suitable part of a raven to change a bulb with.

11. Why shouldn't you trust Professor Quirrell?
He's two-faced.

12. Who funds St Mungo's?
The National 'Elf Service.

13. Which house generates electricity for Hogwarts?
Ravenclaw. Knowledge is power.

14. Why did Harry's godfather never tell jokes?
Because he was Sirius.

15. How do you make a broomstick?
With Spell-o-tape.

16. Which character makes honey?
Bumbledore.

17. Why don't they play football in the Forbidden Forest?
They only have Centaur forwards

18. Why didn't Hermione have any friends?
She was a Gryffinbore.

19. Did you hear about Remus Lupin?
He used to be a werewolf, but he's alright nowwwwww!

20. Who wheels around Hogwarts, throwing things at people?
Reeves the Poltergeist.

21. Who drifts through walls & messes up the carpets?
The Muddy Baron.

22. What does Marcus Flint do when he comes back drunk at 3am?
Slyther-in.

23. What do Hogwarts students do when running cross country?
Huff n puff.

24. What sits at the bottom of the lake and does as its told?
The pliant squid.

25. Why was the Gringotts worker banned from the staff canteen?
For Goblin'.

26. Who smirks more than Malfoy?
Cedric Sniggery.

27. Why could the founder of Gryffindor eat so much?
Godric's Hollow.

28. What does the breath of Slytherin's Monster smell like?
Basil licks.

29. Why does Tom Riddle have such fresh breath?
He's a Parsleymouth.

30. Who sits in the U-Bend and has a huge call bill?
Phoning Myrtle.

31. What's green, lives in the toilets and got into Hermione's Polyjuice?
Cloning Turtle.

32. What's green and makes you disappear?
The Invisibility Croak.

33. What has eight legs, sixty four wheels and will kill you?
Aragog on rollerskates.

34. What wizarding school do you find in the marshes?
Bogwarts.

35. Which rodent is missing a finger and is needlessly fussy?
Peter Petty-shrew.

36. Who does Peter Petty-Shrew serve?
Lord Vole-demort.

37. What did Sirius see when his broom went missing?
Remus Lupin (Looping... on the broom.. I apologise)

38. What should you do if you see 'George Weasley Rulez!' etched into a table?
Put Fred in detention.

39. Which Gryffindor needs specially tailored trousers?
Neville Longbottom.

40. Which Professor brews her own alcohol?
Madam Hooch.

41. Which Healer works in the canteen?
Madame Pommes Frites.

42. Where do you find a petrified Death Eater?
Wherever you left him!

43. Mrs Weasley sends a cauldron of soup zooming to Hogwarts. Unfortunately it collided with the Hufflepuff ghost. What became of the soup?
Out of the flying pan, into the friar.

44. What substance does Snape clearly lack in his store cupboard?
Shampoo.

45. Why does Snape has perfect skin?
He's the lotions master.

46. Who is prone to eavesdropping?
Loose-ears Malfoy.

47. How do you keep a Dark Lord entertained?
With Bella's tricks.

48. What do you get if you blow up the wizard prison?
Azkabam!

49. What do you get if you blow up the wizard prison?
A mass-break out, fool.

50. What do you call a tree wearing really heavy boots?
The stomping willow.

51. Who is the cat burglar of Hogwarts?
Crookshanks.

52. What is SPEW?
An elf-help group.

53. Which teacher loves cheesy pop?
Madam Scooch.

54. Why was Professor Moody so particular about pronunciation?
He believed in consonant vigilance.

55. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting High Inquisitioner.
Interrupting Hi-
HEM HEM!

56. Why doesn't Potter mind being the centre of attention?
Because he lived under the stares.

57. Why was Harry cold on his eleventh birthday?
Cos yer a blizzard, 'arry.

58. What mode of transport makes you ill?
Travelling by flu.

59. What did Draco say the first time he saw McGonagall transfigure?
The cat's out of the bag.

60. What is the Dark Lord's favourite cake?
The Volde-tort.

61. What is the name of the Dark Lord's hideout?
The Volde-fort.

62. Where does the Dark Lord keep his boat?
The Volde-port.

63. What does the Dark Lord call his Pensieve?
The Volde-thought.

64. What does the Dark Lord call his pimple?
The Volde-wart.

65. What does the Dark Lord call his snake?
Nagini! Ha!

66. What is the Volde-fort made out of?
Volde-mortar.

67. What does Luna Lovegood do with her mouthwash?
Nargles for thirty seconds.

68. Which Death Eater cries a lot?
Narcissy Malfoy.

69. How do you keep a Horcrux safe?
You locket.

70. Which magical creature had extensive plastic surgery?
The STRAIGHT horned snorkack.

71. How does the Head of Gryffindor feel when she finds her students misbehaving?
McGonappauled.

72. Professor Trelawney lost her temper with Hermione and cursed her with bad breath.
The super-scowly fragile mystic hexed her halitosis!

73. Which ghost was most prominent in the Battle of Hogwarts?
The School Spirit.

74. Where do you find drunken pigs?
Hogsmeade.

75. Who is a very messy eater?
Viktor Crumb.

76. Who is the most disgusting French woman ever seen at Hogwarts?
Bleugh Delacour.

77. Which Quidditch team broke their brooms with their sheer weight?
The Chubby Cannons.

78. What did Harry say when he drove over an unmarked road hump?
It's the Camber of Secrets!

79. What happened when a fight broke out at the end of the Slytherin-Gryffindor game?
There was a huge ker-quaffle.

80. Who would you find in your cutlery drawer?
Fawkes.

81. Who makes up the history he teaches?
Professor Spinns.

82. What do you write an essay about thirst on?
Parchedment.

83. What do you get if you cross a Hippogryff with a Thestral?
I don't know, but for God's sake, bow!

84. What was Harry's reaction to the third task?
He was a-maze-d.

85. Who fires the fastest wand in the West?
The Draco Kid.

86. Why isn't Theodore a Death Eater?
Because he's Nott.

87. How many knees does Ron have?
Three. A left knee, a right knee and Hermio-knee.

88. Which dragon tastes like a vegetable?
The Swede-ish short snout.

89. Who monitors the Hogwarts Kitchens?
Elf and Safety.

90. Why are Harry's secrets never betrayed?
He always catches the Snitch.

91. Which Professor drinks cheap champagne?
Professor Bubbly-Plonk.

92. Which Minister murdered Dumbledore in the library with a candlestick?
Cluedo Bagman.

93. Why are Firebolts uncomfortable to ride on?
Cos they're bloody hot!

94. Why do Hogwarts students have breakfast in bed?
Because they sleep in four toaster beds.

95. Which house is underground?
The Burrow.

96. What kind of wizard is always wet?
A warloch.

97. Which Slytherin can run really fast?
Marcus Sprint.

98. Why is Draco such a good detective?
Because he always ferrets things out.

99. Which Quidditch team swears a lot?
The Foul-mouthed Falcons.

100. What cheese can you confide in?
The Camembert of Secrets.

101. What baked good features in the first Harry Potter book?
The Philosopher's Scone.

102. Which Gryffindor is always scheming?
Harry Plotter.

103. Who has a runny nose?
Harry Snotter.

104. What insect eats owl treats and delivers letters?
Earwig.

105. Which Gryffindor doesn't believe in team work?
The Lone Granger.

I apologise for everything. Suggestions welcome.

Deathly Hallows: Nineteen Years Later

2007-07-26T22:56:00.000Z

I haven't posted here for ages. No apologies, I just didn't want to.

Anyway, having read the final Harry Potter book, and been as disappointed by it as any man of good taste might have been, I decided that the fluffy, poorly-written epilogue simply wasn't good enough.

To rectify this terrible shortcoming, I hereby proclaim what happened to all the characters, trying to remain canon-compliant as far as possible.

McGonagall: Transfigured herself into a pretty young witch and snagged an ex-pupil.
Draco: Married a random pretty young witch he met. Produced ugly child named Scorpius.
Molly Weasley: Exploded from general fatness. Left a widower.
Mr Weasley: Set up a wizarding pimping scheme. Died of VD.
Ginny: One of Mr Weasley's bitches. None of those kids are Potter's.
Harry: Thinks he's a proud parent.
Ron: Tripped down the stairs, landed backward and managed to accidentally bite his reproductive organs off.
Hermione: Thankful that she needn't bear anymore wizarding brats.
Neville: Killed Nagini and was so surprised he dropped the sword, piercing his heart. Debate continues over whether the sword killed him, or if he died from the shock of doing something useful first.
Goyle: Inadvertently became a Horcrux of Crabbe's.
Crabbe: Made an excellent baddie in the spinoff series 'Albus Severus Potter and ...'
Voldemort: Remained in Kings Cross station and killed Neo when The Matrix came out.
Lucius Malfoy: Sent diseased prostitutes to kill off Mr Weasley's rival pimp Gang.
Narcissa Malfoy: Came to regret going through so much trouble to save Draco when she finally learned what a snotty little bastard he is.
Andromeda Tonks: Attempted to drown Teddy several times.
Teddy Lupin: Just wouldn't die.
Victoire: Could never think of a polite way to tell Teddy to f*ck off. Eventually gave birth to several fluffy brats, the last of which mauled her to death. (Not at a full moon, but just for fun.)
Cho Chang: Never recovered from Cedric's death. Commited suicide. Birmingham mourned its one claim to fame for several years afterward, and holds an annual parade in her honour, which is poorly attended.
Luna: Was clawed to near-death by Nargles, but no one believed her. Died of her wounds in St Mungo's.
George: Died. Or was that Fred. Who cares. In any case, the one who survived managed to kill himself in a moment of idiocy, decades after his twin's death.
Fred: See George.
Assorted other Weasleys: Came down with VD. Suspected that they caught it from Mr Weasley.
Rest of the Wizarding World: Were glad the Weasley family tree was finally pruned.

SPOILER:
Albus Severus Potter: Kills himself in the sixth book after being bullied for being named Albus Severus.
Crabbe: Is victorious.

More suggestions welcome!

Ranting and General Bitchiness

2007-01-29T02:13:00.000Z

I don't want to glorify or even give the impression of condoning the following link, but I suppose it is necessary to understand the context of this blog:
http://www.xanga.com/fckyoobyotch

Reading this blog made me realise that no one is ever going to bitch about me. And it's a shame, cos if people took the time to look beyond my flirty, friendly exterior, they'd find there is a perfect bastard residing underneath. But since no one is going to take the time to bitch me out, I thought I'd rant about myself instead.

Date: 29/01/07
Mood: ~~Apathetic~~ Enraged and female

omg i cant fcking believe that ethan guy. liek, who tf does he think he is? he just comes back frm uni now and then, and expects us all to be like 'woohoo yeah its ethan.' holy cow, i just wish he would like, stfu and die, cos he just is just one giant vagina crammed with crab pincers. srsly, he thinks hes like a fcking god or something. i wish people would see the truth about him. he pretends to be all that, but rly, he broke his leg ONE WEEK after leaving irc, he drinks too much and he hasnt had a steady gf since what? lst summer? what a fcking fag.

I hoep he trips ovr his own dick, falls off a cliff and dies impaled on enclaved's cok. Hes jst leik, such an effing slut! I HTE HIM!

So yeah, just felt like getting that out of my system. Another thought I had was that I don't bitch people out enough. I really should, but unlike the author of that xanga, I'm proud to put my hand up and say 'Yeh, I'm the bastard who denounced you as the son of a whore. Come and have a crack at me.'

So here's just something for you all to think about:

You're all a bunch of fucking tossers.

But I wouldn't like you any other way.

PS: Serious note: It's just irc. Lighten up, girls.

Pras and the Worst place to live.

2006-10-22T23:42:00.000Z

First and foremost, a picture for Paras 'Pras' *Insert whatever your surname is here*

In other news (literally), regardez the findings I've always known, finally proved by a bunch of baboons with questionnaires:

The Worst Place To Live In Britain Is...

London's district of Hackney has been slammed as the worst place to live in the UK, according to a poll. It came bottom of the heap out of all the UK's 434 local authorities based on five criteria - crime, environment, lifestyle, education and employment.

But there is good news for Hull as last year's worst place to live is not to be seen at all in the 2006 bottom 10. Also disappearing off the list since last year are Mansfield and Salford. But the repeat offenders are listed as the City of Nottingham, Strabane, Hackney, Middlesbrough, Blaenau Gwent and Merthyr Tydfil.

Hackney has its defenders though, with its mayor Jules Pipe, saying: "Of course Hackney has problems, as do all inner city boroughs, but it is an amazing place to live.

"It is diverse and exciting with fantastic architecture, a vibrant arts and cultural scene, and a bright future as an Olympic borough."

The research was carried out for Channel 4's The Best and Worst Places to Live in the UK: 2006.

Here are the results for the worst places to live:
1. Hackney, east London
2. Tower Hamlets, east London
3. Merthyr Tydfil, South Wales
4. Newham, east London
5. Islington, north London
6. Middlesbrough, North East
7. City of Nottingham, East Midlands
8. Strabane, County Tyrone, Northern Ireland
9. Blaenau Gwent, south Wales
10. Manchester, North West

(Source: Yahoo! UK News)

Really, I could've told you this ages ago, as partially evidenced by plenty of my blog posts. Luckily, I moved out of Hackney and currently reside in... the fifth worst place in the country. BOLLOCKS.

I'm such a bastard

2006-08-26T22:41:00.000Z

Really, I try not to be such an arsehole, but some people make it too easy to take the piss. Take the below example - I tried so hard not to do it, honestly!

[23:00:15] (Docta) 17. In 1895 Juan---------- , president of Argentina (1946-55, 1973-74), born.
[23:00:21] (Chivalry) veron
[23:00:25] (Chivalry) pinochet
[23:00:31] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) valdez
[23:00:35] (Docta) Here's a hint, pe___
[23:00:38] (Chivalry) peron
[23:00:39] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) perez
[23:00:40] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) peron
[23:00:41] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) evita
[23:01:13] (Chivalry) perin
[23:01:18] (Chivalry) pelos
[23:01:25] (Chivalry) penin
[23:01:26] * Docta has quit IRC (Broken pipe)
[23:01:29] (Chivalry) damnit
[23:01:31] (Chivalry) Now I'll never know.
[23:02:20] (Chivalry) It was peron damnit
[23:02:23] (Chivalry) I knew it was
[23:02:24] (Chivalry) cf;jtprxjnmt
[23:02:40] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) lol
[23:02:44] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) you seems .... cute
[23:02:53] (Chivalry) ...
[23:02:57] (Chivalry) I'm a mean, nasty person.
[23:03:06] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) Really?
[23:03:09] (Chivalry) Yup.
[23:03:37] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) that's really bad self-esteem
[23:03:41] (Chivalry) No no
[23:03:46] (Chivalry) I'm very happy with myself.
[23:03:51] (Chivalry) I just happen to not be very nice to people.
[23:03:54] (Chivalry) And I'm ok with that.
[23:04:04] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) then why would you label yourself as a nasty person
[23:04:09] (Chivalry) To scare people away.
[23:04:19] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) that's not very good
[23:04:26] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) seems like you have avoidance issues
[23:04:29] (Chivalry) it is if you don't like people.
[23:05:04] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) not to sound too shrinky but are you just shy of meeting ppl so you scare them away only to rely on your friends to make other friends?
[23:05:55] (Chivalry) I'm not shy.
[23:05:59] (Chivalry) I'm hateful.
[23:06:01] (Chivalry) Difference!
[23:06:05] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) why?
[23:06:22] (Chivalry) I think it might be because my father abandoned us when I was young.
[23:06:32] (Chivalry) My mother never took it well.
[23:06:37] (Chivalry) She turned to alcohol and cigarettes.
[23:06:44] (Chivalry) I took up smoking when I was thirteen.
[23:06:51] (Chivalry) I've been drinking as long as I can remember.
[23:07:00] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how long have you been drinking
[23:07:01] (Chivalry) I just have a real tough time connecting with people who aren't like me.
[23:07:02] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) ?
[23:07:14] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) what IS like you?
[23:07:25] (Chivalry) I'm just.. just... this great, big, mess.
[23:07:29] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) coming from distraught families? cuz if it is then i'm pretty like you
[23:08:02] (Chivalry) And we never had much money growing up either
[23:08:09] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) my dad came out to my mom three years after i was born only to find out my mom's been cheating on him with his brother
[23:08:15] (Chivalry) my mum used to put me in dog-wrestling rings to pay for our groceries
[23:08:20] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) so my dad filed for divorce and my mom fought back
[23:08:23] (Chivalry) and I was only allowed cereal for two meals a day.
[23:08:28] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) OMG
[23:08:59] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how long have you been abused like that?
[23:09:02] (Chivalry) Well it was either that or put me on the streets
[23:09:07] (Chivalry) I understand her thinking now, it's ok.
[23:09:30] (Chivalry) The scars will fade in time.
[23:09:30] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) Have you any anger towards her?
[23:09:47] (Chivalry) The anger only comes out when I'm drunk.
[23:09:56] (Chivalry) And I can't afford to be drunk when I work two jobs.
[23:10:00] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) How often is that?
[23:10:02] (Chivalry) Three, if you include the weekend work.
[23:10:22] (Chivalry) Well, on my nights off I drink
[23:10:25] (Chivalry) I have nothing else to do
[23:10:30] (Chivalry) and when I have nothing to do I think too much
[23:10:38] (Chivalry) its better to drink until I become numb, inside and out.
[23:10:54] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) do you have a girlfriend? or a guy friend? or a boyfriend (No offense btw)?
[23:11:14] (Chivalry) I have a girlfriend and a daughter
[23:11:21] (Cheyan) o.O
[23:11:22] (Chivalry) and she says if I don't start paying support, she's going to sue
[23:11:26] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how old's your daughter?
[23:11:28] (Chivalry) But I don't have that kind of money
[23:11:32] (Chivalry) She's 4 months old
[23:11:34] (Chivalry) She's beautiful.
[23:11:38] (Chivalry) The apple of my eye
[23:11:41] (Cheyan) Chivalry, how old are you?
[23:11:45] (Chivalry) I'm twenty
[23:11:47] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) What about your wife?
[23:11:54] (Cheyan) Ah.
[23:11:55] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how old is she?
[23:12:06] (Chivalry) She's 24, and she's not my wife.
[23:12:12] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) oh
[23:12:21] (Cheyan) Reminds me of my parents. Divorced when I was three or so, then my dad got a girlfriend a year later or so.
[23:12:37] (Chivalry) My father's been in and out of prison
[23:12:47] (Chivalry) Once he was only out for a few hours before he came round and beat me
[23:12:49] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) do you hate him?
[23:12:52] (Cheyan) I'm sorry. :/
[23:12:53] (Chivalry) and went straight back into custody.
[23:14:03] (Chivalry) Look, I'm sorry
[23:14:06] (Chivalry) I can't talk about this.
[23:14:08] (Chivalry) I've got to go.
[23:14:12] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) Well you know what Chivalry? It Will Get better
[23:14:12] (Cheyan) IT's alright.
[23:14:12] * Chivalry is now known as ChivAway
[23:14:13] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) much better
[23:14:32] (Cheyan) Feel better darling... I'm so sorry. :/
[23:14:38] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) stupid me

[23:19:16] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) hey nina.. warning
[23:19:21] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) when chivalry comes back
[23:19:23] (Nina) huh?
[23:19:36] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) try not to say anything stupid, mean, demeaning, or act a bitch

Bible Bashing

2006-07-08T01:43:00.000Z

[02:22:13] (Chels[far`far`away]) All of the nun's I've met are the sweetest people.
[02:22:31] (Warrington) Well no one expects a nun to headbutt you in the street and spit on you as you writhe in pain.
[02:22:39] (Lamina) ...
[02:22:47] (Lamina) AHH JILL STOP LAUGHING AT THAT MENTAL IMAGE.
[02:22:50] (Chels[far`far`away]) Warrington, think of the Good Samaritan school
[02:22:54] (Neutral`) ......
[02:22:56] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:22:59] (Lamina) lmao
[02:23:02] (Chels[far`far`away]) oops
[02:23:02] (Chels[far`far`away]) I mean...
[02:23:04] (Chels[far`far`away]) Good Samaritan story
[02:23:13] (Warrington) And that would be?
[02:23:24] (Chels[far`far`away]) You don;t know the story of the Good Samaritan?
[02:23:29] (Warrington) I'm one of those heathens that don't follow the bible, sweetcheeks.
[02:23:37] (Lamina) ..cheeks
[02:23:38] (Neutral`) ive never even touched a bible..
[02:23:39] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:23:42] (Chels[far`far`away]) I thought EVERYONE knew about the story of the Good Samaritan...
[02:23:43] (Lamina) me either...
[02:23:49] (Neutral`) er not everyone is christian?
[02:23:51] (Lamina) ..not i!
[02:23:55] (Warrington) See how brainwashed you are?
[02:23:55] (Lamina) i know noah's ark though
[02:23:59] (Lamina) it was on rugrats
[02:24:02] (Neutral`) lmao salina
[02:24:03] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:24:04] (Lamina) lmao..
[02:24:07] (Warrington) If they teach all the kids in a 3rd world country hte same stuff
[02:24:13] (Warrington) they become dependant on the church.
[02:24:17] (Chels[far`far`away]) Noah's Ark and Good Sam are the two most known stories of the bible.
[02:24:20] (Neutral`) yeah, basically
[02:24:21] (Warrington) All their knowledge becomes church based.
[02:24:29] (Chels[far`far`away]) I don't become dependant on my church
[02:24:34] (Warrington) Opiate of the masses.
[02:24:34] (Chels[far`far`away]) I don't even follow my Religion that well.
[02:24:37] (Lamina) what about the genius
[02:24:38] (Lamina) er
[02:24:39] (Lamina) genisis..
[02:24:40] (Neutral`) ..
[02:24:42] (Lamina) genesis
[02:24:42] (Lamina) ...
[02:24:44] (Chels[far`far`away]) ohhh
[02:24:45] (Chels[far`far`away]) yes
[02:24:46] (Neutral`) i see that on jeopardy..
[02:24:47] (Chels[far`far`away]) Garden of Edan
[02:24:48] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:24:49] (Lamina) lmao...
[02:24:50] (Lamina) er yeah
[02:24:55] (Lamina) where mary is bitten by an apple
[02:24:56] (Lamina) er snake
[02:24:57] (Warrington) Eden*
[02:24:59] (Chels[far`far`away]) and Adam and Eve.
[02:25:00] (Neutral`) ................................
[02:25:00] (Chels[far`far`away]) lmao
[02:25:02] (Neutral`) salina......
[02:25:04] (Lamina) ......
[02:25:07] (Neutral`) ........
[02:25:10] (Lamina) er wait
[02:25:12] (Lamina) mary bites an apple
[02:25:14] (Lamina) and
[02:25:16] (Chels[far`far`away]) noooooooo
[02:25:17] (Lamina) jesus is bitten by a snake
[02:25:19] (Chels[far`far`away]) EVE bit the apple.
[02:25:19] (Lamina) wait
[02:25:20] (Lamina) adam
[02:25:21] (Chels[far`far`away]) wtf?
[02:25:22] (Lamina) ..................
[02:25:23] (Lamina) LOL
[02:25:26] (Warrington) And then King Julian turns up
[02:25:27] (Lamina) LOLLL
[02:25:28] (Chels[far`far`away]) You seriously don't know that story...
[02:25:29] (dabc) lmao
[02:25:30] (Warrington) and they all like to move it move it
[02:25:31] (dabc) WHAT BIBLE DID YOU READ
[02:25:32] (Lamina) LOL.
[02:25:33] (Warrington) and God steps in
[02:25:34] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:25:35] (Warrington) and he's all
[02:25:36] (dabc) lmaooo
[02:25:37] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLL
[02:25:40] (Warrington) "dude that's not kosher"
[02:25:43] (dabc) THEN ADAM DRANK MOUNTAIN DEW
[02:25:43] (Warrington) so he floods the world.
[02:25:45] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
[02:25:46] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:25:48] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:25:48] (Warrington) And moses builds an ark.
[02:25:53] (dabc) to party i
[02:25:54] (dabc) in*
[02:25:57] (dabc) but only animals showed up
[02:25:58] (Chels[far`far`away]) Noah's Ark isn't even in that chapter of the bible...
[02:26:02] (Lamina) and then joseph marries three wise men
[02:26:07] (Neutral`) ahhhhhhh the bible gives me a headache
[02:26:08] (dabc) yea
[02:26:10] * Neutral` leaves for awhile
[02:26:12] (Warrington) And they had a big boat party
[02:26:13] (Lamina) lmao
[02:26:14] (Lamina) jill
[02:26:23] (Warrington) And the ants marched in two by two
[02:26:26] (Warrington) hurrah, hurrah.
[02:26:26] (Chels[far`far`away]) This isn't the bible, Jill lol
[02:26:28] (Neutral`) ......
[02:26:30] (Lamina) ...
[02:26:30] (Neutral`) lmfaooooo
[02:26:30] (Lamina) LOL
[02:26:31] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLLLLLLL
[02:26:33] (Neutral`) lmfaoooooooo
[02:26:37] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLLL YOU GUYS
[02:26:39] (Lamina) THATS SO HORRIBLE
[02:26:40] (Neutral`) lmfaooooooo
[02:26:42] (Warrington) And in the revised version
[02:26:43] (Lamina) to make fun LOLLLLLLLLL
[02:26:44] (Neutral`) ahhhh its so funny
[02:26:46] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:26:47] (Lamina) LOLLLL
[02:26:48] (Warrington) Moses SWATS THE TWO MOSQUITOS
[02:26:50] (Chels[far`far`away]) Paul do you know the story of the Good Samaritan?
[02:26:51] (dabc) LMAO
[02:26:52] (Lamina) LOLLLLLL
[02:26:53] (dabc) yea!
[02:26:54] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:26:57] (dabc) didnt he breakdance for scrilla
[02:27:00] (dabc) down at the bazaar
[02:27:00] (Neutral`) ....
[02:27:01] (Lamina) ....
[02:27:02] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:27:02] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:27:04] (Lamina) Lmao......
[02:27:05] (dabc) and then moses was like YO
[02:27:09] (dabc) I turn my cane into a snake
[02:27:10] (Lamina) and then the ants again?
[02:27:11] (dabc) and he breakdances
[02:27:13] (dabc) and gets more scrilla then me
[02:27:14] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:27:16] (Chels[far`far`away]) Good Sam is in the NEW Testament...
[02:27:16] (Lamina) Lmao
[02:27:17] (dabc) I QUIT
[02:27:21] (dabc) then he led some jews
[02:27:23] (dabc) into a desert
[02:27:24] (Chels[far`far`away]) The other stories are in the OLD Testament.
[02:27:24] (Lamina) why do you have tests in the bible?
[02:27:26] (dabc) or took them out for dessert
[02:27:30] (Warrington) lol
[02:27:30] (dabc) somethin like that
[02:27:34] (Chels[far`far`away]) We don't have tests...
[02:27:37] (Warrington) And they wandered about for 40 years
[02:27:39] (dabc) actually
[02:27:40] (Warrington) looking for a restaurant
[02:27:43] (Chels[far`far`away]) I've never read the bible..
[02:27:44] (Neutral`) ...
[02:27:45] (dabc) i went to a private christian school
[02:27:48] (Warrington) alas, they couldn't find one that did a good banana split.
[02:27:49] (dabc) for about 4 years
[02:27:53] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:27:54] (dabc) so i know pretty much everything in the bible
[02:27:59] (dabc) i used to have to memeorize like scriptures
[02:28:05] * Neutral` sprays paul with bible spray
[02:28:05] (Chels[far`far`away]) The did wander for 40 years in the desert, Warrington... but not for a restaurant for somehwere to reside.
[02:28:05] (dabc) and then recite them
[02:28:07] (dabc) IT BURNS
[02:28:16] (Neutral`) lmao....
[02:28:16] (Warrington) Oh really Chelsea
[02:28:18] (Chels[far`far`away]) We've never had to read the bible
[02:28:21] (Chels[far`far`away]) Only parts of it.
[02:28:22] (Warrington) what a LUCKY COINCIDENCE
[02:28:27] (Warrington) that I should choose 40 years!
[02:28:28] (Lamina) lmao for a restaruant
[02:28:29] (Warrington) :o
[02:28:32] (Neutral`) lmao..
[02:28:33] (Lamina) lmao..
[02:28:35] (Lamina) ...
[02:28:37] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:28:39] (Lamina) is that when
[02:28:40] (Lamina) the king of egypt
[02:28:42] (Warrington) And anyway,
[02:28:42] (Lamina) made that
[02:28:44] (Lamina) break in the nile
[02:28:45] (dabc) jesus was the first emo he cut cut cut cut for our sins
[02:28:45] (Warrington) they find a restaurant
[02:28:49] (Lamina) and all the jewish
[02:28:49] (Warrington) then
[02:28:49] (Neutral`) ....
[02:28:50] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:28:50] (Lamina) followed him
[02:28:51] (Lamina) to freedom
[02:28:51] (Warrington) Aaron was all like
[02:28:56] (Warrington) "moses thinks this is whack"
[02:28:57] (Warrington) cos
[02:29:00] (Warrington) there was NO SPACE
[02:29:00] (Lamina) it was seafood?
[02:29:01] (Warrington) AT THE INN
[02:29:05] (Lamina) OH NO
[02:29:06] (Lamina) AHHHHHHHH
[02:29:07] (Neutral`) o_o
[02:29:09] (Warrington) And so Moses had to sleep in a manger
[02:29:11] (Lamina) and then
[02:29:12] (dabc) lmao
[02:29:12] (Lamina) two marching ants
[02:29:13] (Warrington) and get chomped by donkeys all night.
[02:29:13] (Neutral`) did they have to sleep in his car =/
[02:29:14] (Neutral`) oh
[02:29:16] (Neutral`) :(
[02:29:19] (Warrington) But he enjoyed it really
[02:29:26] (Warrington) and recommended it to his mate Joseph
[02:29:26] (Lamina) moses had to sleep in a manger.............
[02:29:27] (Lamina) ................
[02:29:33] (Lamina) lmao...........
[02:29:37] (Warrington) Whose wife he had knocked up on the sly.
[02:29:39] (dabc) loL
[02:29:42] (dabc) aww wittle moses
[02:29:44] (dabc) with his lil beard
[02:29:44] (Neutral`) o_o
[02:29:49] (Lamina) ..lmao
[02:29:54] (Warrington) Thus the virgin mary gave birth to a kid in the manger in the stable
[02:29:58] (Warrington) and they named him
[02:30:00] (Warrington) Brian.
[02:30:07] (Neutral`) ...
[02:30:09] (Warrington) And then a Monty Python movie was made about it.
[02:30:18] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:30:22] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:30:26] (dabc) pch virgin my ass, i seen her behind the gym with the king
[02:30:28] (dabc) GETTIN HER MARY ON

More Random Quotes

2006-05-27T18:19:00.000Z

* Cho pokes ethan "hey ethan <3">
-A-Samantha[DND]- SMOOTH, SAM.
-A-Samantha[DND]- LOL, I was close to saying it in padfoot, but i wont spoil your fun

(Malfoy) rofl
(Malfoy) Pory
(Malfoy) You ass!
(A-Samantha[DND]) O.O
(A-Samantha[DND]) What?
(Malfoy) whois me, fool
(A-Samantha[DND]) ....
(A-Samantha[DND]) Uh..
(A-Samantha[DND]) ......
(Malfoy) Malfoy is ~Draco@B9D58BD0.1782D093.89698C46.IP * Rampant Heathen
(A-Samantha[DND]) I know
(A-Samantha[DND]) I just..
(A-Samantha[DND]) Wtf!
(Malfoy) hahahaha
(A-Samantha[DND]) >.<
(Malfoy) rofl
(Malfoy) Oh that is being blogged.
(A-Samantha[DND]) But WAIT
(A-Samantha[DND]) You're NOT Ethan
(A-Samantha[DND]) ..
(A-Samantha[DND]) I swear you're not.
(Malfoy) Who am I then?
(Malfoy) I mock j00 foreverz0rz
(A-Samantha[DND]) ..
(A-Samantha[DND]) But
(A-Samantha[DND]) jdsfsfdshfsjfhs
(A-Samantha[DND]) /quit

* Arthur_Weasley is now known as LordVoldemort
(LordVoldemort) Ethan
(Malfoy) Yeah?
(LordVoldemort) What happened to dear loki?
(Malfoy) Do you miss him/
(LordVoldemort) Very much
(Malfoy) haha
(Malfoy) yeah he's a good guy
(Malfoy) I thought you didn't like him.
(LordVoldemort) Yeah
(LordVoldemort) I allways liked him
(LordVoldemort) He was funny
(LordVoldemort) Do you still talk to him
(Malfoy) Yeah sometimes.
(Malfoy) Strange conversations.
(Malfoy) I think he might actually be insane.

(Malfoy) "I don't know what it is that makes me feel alive, I don't know how to wake the things that sleep inside, I only want to see the light that shines behind your eyes" ~ Oasis "Acquiesce"
* AnnBrb is now known as Ann
(Chels) Ethan I'm confused
(Chels) :((

(Monty) Gandhi had some lame moments.

(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) i have a huuge request
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and if oyu do it
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) you'll be the best ever
(Draco) I already am the best ever.
(Draco) You're just too blind to see it.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) lol
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) this will open my eyes
(Draco) I dunno. I don't like the sound of 'huuge request'.
(Draco) It’s usually followed by something like
(Draco) "I have an ugly sister who needs a date for the prom"

(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) hey how is your adhd
(Monty) Cya /me smooches

(Monty) Is it "Ignore Ethan Day"?
(Monty) Cos I wish I had got that memo before I stayed up all night waiting for you to log on.

(Monty) i feel so tired and achey :(
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) why
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) are you coming down with the ol' bird flu
(Monty) I must've caught it off Rich's bird.
(Monty) But don't tell him.
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) haha
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) they found a dead bird at surrey quays which made me laugh
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) cause you see the state of that little water pond
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) probably died of depression
(Monty) lol
(Monty) "my life is shit." -dying squawk-
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) lol
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) aww

(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) loha
(Spazmo) Heyhey
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) what is up
(Spazmo) Ceilings!
(Spazmo) Nothing more than ceilings!
(Spazmo) Trying to forget myyyyy
(Spazmo) ceilings of paaaaaint
(Spazmo) Ceiliiiing
(Spazmo) Whoaaa
(Spazmo) Ceilings!
(Spazmo) whoooaaa
(Spazmo) Ceiilings!
(Spazmo) Hang on my mind!
(Spazmo) Ceiiiilings
(Spazmo) whoaaaa
(Spazmo) Ceiiiliiiing
(Spazmo) s
(Spazmo) whoooaaa
(Spazmo) Ceilings!
(Spazmo) And they're all quite hiiiiiigh

(Spazmo) I didnt get any easter eggs.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) i know
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) my mother put five pounds in my bank account
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) so i could buy one haha
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) so i went yesterday
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and got one of those expensive ones for 2.49
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) bargain!
(Spazmo) Thorntons?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) no just those double cadbury ones
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) the egg within an egg
(Spazmo) Oh.
(Spazmo) Thorntons had a massive sale.
(Spazmo) all their eggs were one or two quid.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) wow
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) did you try and fertilize em
(Spazmo) I made some of them creme eggs, yeah.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) hahaha
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) lmao
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) thats so filthy

(Cunning Linguist) What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) the magician's wand doesnt beat random passing black people
(Cunning Linguist) Actually that's a cool answer too.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) what was your answer
(Cunning Linguist) huh?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) the end of your joke
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) truncheon wand
(Cunning Linguist) eh?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) fuucks sake fool
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) whats the difference between a policeman's truncheon
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and a magician
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) that was you im sure
(Cunning Linguist) I dunno. What is the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magician?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) you asked ME that
(Cunning Linguist) Oh. I thought you asked me.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) no you asked me
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and isaid about a black man being beaten up
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) what was the answer
(Cunning Linguist) 42.

Rewriting the Wiki for Hackney

2006-05-25T22:37:00.000Z

Unlike most English districts, its council is led by a directly-elected mayor. (Jules Pipe, whose name has recently been immortalised as rhyming slang.)

The borough is known for being one of the poorest and crime-affected London boroughs. (It's a shithole.)

Despite this perception it is a place of considerable contrasts. (One minute you're alive, next you're bleeding in a gutter with a tramp pissing on your face as you slowly die.)

Also in the south west is Hoxton and Shoreditch which are central to the London arts scene and home to numerous clubs, bars, shops and restaurants, much of which is centered on Hoxton Square. (Don't bend over in Hoxton if you value your sphincter.)

The development of Shoreditch and Hoxton caused land value to increase in the area such that developers looked to other parts of the borough for development. (Pickings got slim.)

Much of Hackney is inner-city in character and in places like Dalston large housing estates now sit side-by-side with gated communities. (If you have money, lock yourself away.)

The main commercial and retail centre of Hackney is known as Hackney Central to distinguish it from the rest of the borough. (This name also reflects its similarity to twin-town South Central in L.A., which shares its history of gang-related violence and gun culture.)

To the north of the borough is Clapton, Stamford Hill and Stoke Newington. (Each only known for shootings, Jews and stabbings respectively.)

The population is ethnically diverse. (What's red on the outside and black on the inside? A bus through Hackney.)

32% of householders are owner–occupiers. (Evidently excluding the social housing, which makes up about 75% of dwellings in Hackney.)

Hackney is currently the only inner London borough north of the Thames that has no London Underground stations other than those on its borders with other boroughs. (Hackney is so rough that not even the tube dares run through it.)

Transport for London is extending the East London Line northwards through the borough reusing some of the abandoned line between Dalston Junction and Broad Street with stations at Shoreditch High Street, Hoxton, Haggerston and Dalston Junction. (So that the yuppies who have to keep themselves locked in have a quicker means of escape in the mornings.)

When complete, the line will be handed over to Network Rail who will run services from Hackney to South London. (When complete, the line will be abandoned once more, proudly symbolising Hackney Council's love of wasting money.)

Hackney Griffens Rugby Football Club play at Springhill Park, near the Lea Bridge Canal. The ground is one of the oldest rugby pitches in the country, hosting sides since 1879. (Never mind all the footballing greats spurned from Hackney Marshes. The Marshes are now less famous for football and more for stabbings and is a favourite dumping ground for serial killers.)

Planning is underway for a new club house at Springhill Park, which will incorporate a range of excellent facilities. (The chickens will no longer have to deal with the Griffens' club meetings in their shed. A strike for feathered miscreants everywhere.)

Really lame update

2006-05-22T15:56:00.000Z

Well, as you can see from the lack of posts, April and May were really lame months. When I become World Chancellor, I shall destroy the winter and spring months so that summer is longer (I quite like autumn too so that can remain).

Things that I have ~~accomplished~~ done this month:

Exams. European law, public law, something law, other law and German law. A friend gave me an 'energy tablet' for my German exam. Suddenly, everything out of the corner of my eye was in neon colours and my skin felt like it was crawling. Don't take energy pills from people you know are crackheads. That's at least one resit.
Girlfriend. Lots of doing girlfriend.
Stopped being nice to all the girls I thought I might want to date (no point wasting energy).
Washed my car. Then it rained next day. Point still stands.
Helped smash down a wall at one of my dad's houses. Felt manly. Was good.
Bought a really cute necklace for said girlfriend, but she refuses to see me during her exams because I'm "distracting" (as if MSN isn't). So now she isn't getting her necklace for ages.
Shaved Skippy's head.
Watched a lot of Frasier.
Drank a lot.
Nursed many-a headache.
Had a 'stereo war' with the electrician working next door. Lost. Computer decided MSN, mIRC and WMP was too much to handle at one time. $1000 piece of crap.

AT THIS POINT I GOT BORED AND WANDERED AFK AND I CANT REMEMBER WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT AND SO I'M JUST POSTING IT WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD!!!! VIVA LA POOP

April Fools' Day

2006-04-08T15:27:00.000Z

[14:30:48] (Draco) You around?
[14:37:04] (Draco) Swags, I really need to talk to you, if you've got a minute.
[14:37:19] (Draco) Though I don't doubt it will take longer than that.
[14:39:48] (Swagato) shoot
[14:40:08] (Draco) Oh. If you're busy we can talk later.
[14:40:59] (Swagato) not really busy
[14:41:41] (Draco) Oh
[14:41:42] (Draco) k
[14:41:44] (Draco) Well
[14:42:06] (Draco) It's to do with the you-me-deea-piccolo thing
[14:42:17] (Draco) But less of the Deea and Piccolo
[14:42:32] (Swagato) er
[14:42:33] (Swagato) Ok?
[14:43:05] (Draco) Well the thing is
[14:43:15] (Draco) You know we're quite similar
[14:43:18] (Draco) in some ways
[14:43:36] (Swagato) you and I?
[14:43:36] (Draco) like we're both intelligent, witty etc etc
[14:43:38] (Draco) yes
[14:43:49] (Draco) You don't think we are?
[14:44:08] (Swagato) I do
[14:44:28] (Draco) k
[14:44:33] (Draco) And you know I said yesterday
[14:44:42] (Draco) that we don't necessarily agree on anything
[14:44:46] (Draco) but I like you anyway?
[14:44:46] (Swagato) true
[14:44:47] (Swagato) lol
[14:44:50] (Swagato) Its mutual
[14:45:51] (Draco) And whatever I say from now on stays between us
[14:45:58] (Swagato) Of cours.e
[14:46:00] (Draco) I mean it.
[14:46:06] (Draco) Absolutely between us.
[14:46:08] (Swagato) Alright.
[14:46:55] (Draco) I don't even know how to say this
[14:47:00] (Draco) Let me put it this way
[14:47:12] (Draco) Have you notice things between Deea and I have been... strained?
[14:47:16] (Draco) *noticed
[14:47:29] (Swagato) Yes
[14:47:48] (Draco) No wait
[14:47:50] (Draco) that sounds wrong
[14:47:55] (Draco) um
[14:48:01] (Swagato) Mutual dislike?
[14:48:19] (Draco) I'm phrasing it incorrectly
[14:48:25] (Draco) It's not to do with her
[14:48:28] (Swagato) Keep talking, I'm listening.
[14:48:29] (Draco) arrgghh
[14:48:33] (Draco) hold on
[14:48:36] (B-Swagato-Beater) Ok
[14:49:34] (Draco) Well
[14:49:41] (Draco) You and I operate on the same wavelength, right?
[14:50:03] (B-Swag-Beater) mhm
[14:50:04] (Draco) I don't necessarily get that with a lot of people
[14:50:06] (B-Swag-Beater) I hope so, lol
[14:50:14] (Draco) and when I do, they just come up with the same rubbish I spout
[14:50:30] (Draco) but I've always admired you for using the same thought processes
[14:50:34] (Draco) but coming up with different answers
[14:50:45] (Draco) you're like a breath of fresh air
[14:50:56] (B-Swag-Beater) here comes the marriage proposal...
[14:51:14] (Draco) Swags
[14:51:18] (Draco) I really like you.
[14:51:28] (Draco) That's why I hate her so much right now.
[14:51:32] (B-Swag-Beater) Hmm
[14:51:35] (B-Swag-Beater) Go on?
[14:52:02] (Draco) It's not the matey kind of 'like'.
[14:53:12] (Draco) say something before I curl up and die.
[14:53:17] (B-Swag-Beater) lol
[14:53:20] (B-Swag-Beater) No, go on
[14:53:29] (B-Swag-Beater) I mean, so far you haven't really explained anything..
[14:54:07] (Draco) I've said it Swags.
[14:54:09] (Draco) I want you.
[14:54:09] (B-Swag-Beater) I do like you and have respect for you, which is why I'm listening.
[14:54:10] (B-Swag-Beater) But
[14:54:30] (B-Swag-Beater) How do you want me..?
[14:54:43] (Draco) The way you want Deea.
[14:54:47] (Draco) The way James wants Pory.
[14:56:31] (Swagato) Hm.
[14:56:40] (Swagato) You know, for a moment
[14:56:53] (Swagato) I was almost convinced I had a real situation on my hands.
[14:57:06] (Swagato) So isn't it lucky I have a digital watch that tells me the date..
[14:57:17] (Draco) FUCK
[14:57:18] (Draco) lol
[14:57:22] (Swagato) haha
[14:57:24] (Swagato) Good try :P
[14:57:32] (Draco) rofl
[14:57:34] (Draco) I'm good though
[14:57:35] (Draco) admit it!
[14:57:38] (Swagato) lol

Quotes from my leavers' book

2006-03-18T05:27:00.000Z

(I left out all the gushy, oh my God its the last day of school, I love you, keep in touch and never leave me! messages.)

"What can I say? If it weren't for you, I might never have become the stunning linguist I am now!" ~ Simon "The DGFG stands for Deutscher German & French Genius" Waston

"I will stalk you for the rest of my life, so don't turn around."

"I've been scared to bring in my school diary since you wrote all that stuff over it. If any of the teachers found it, I'd be suspended, you bastard."

"I'm glad you were there for me when the Polish tramp stole my crisps. It was truly traumatic."

"Thanks for bunking German with me."

"Remember to leben and leben lassen, you tyrant. And leave the girls alone."

"There's only one Dennis Bergkamp!
One Dennis Bergkamp!
We're walking along,
Singing a song,
Walking in a Bergkamp Wonderland!"

"I don't know how you ever learnt anything, but I hope you're proud of your cardboard box when you fail everything in life. Just kidding. Actually I'm not."

"Have a great time at uni and don't get nostalgic about school. Remember it's crap."

"My penis is bigger than yours."

"In the two years I've known you, I've only wanted two things. Luckily, I got that carton of Rubicon, and also a ride in your car. Sorry for weighing it down and the stains ought to fade in time."

"Dear Ethan, lay off the Lucozade. Don't get stabbed either. Thems both heavy shit."

"You're the main reason I applied to Aberdeen."

"You'll get by with your personality. Don't worry about grades. They're for nerds."

"I really hope that if an evil dictator takes over the world, it will be you."

"Hey Dancing Boy, keep shaking that thang. Remember, we've got you on tape. When I get my licence we're going to boyrace round Chingford, just like our idols, Blazin' Squad."

"You're quirky and cute. Don't grow any taller - I don't want to talk to your dick."

"I don't remember anything from GCSE physics but you and that damn finger skateboard."

"Unfortunately, I know where you live, so there's no escaping me."

"TO ETHAN. I WOULD MOST LIKE TO SEE YOU AGAIN TO BE IN YOUR COMPANY AND SEE YOU AGAIN I WOULD LIKE. MOST. SEE YOU AGAIN. ~MOJO JOJO"

"Dear Ethan, people are passing your Leavers' Book around. You really ought to keep an eye on it. Someone you don't like might sign it. While I'm here, you're a fucking twat."

"Mr Blane hates you. In other news, water is found to be wet."

"Thanks for sharing your love life with me. I lived through you. Maybe someday I'll get laid too."

"I'm glad I'll never see you again. From what I do know of you, you're cool, so I guarantee you'd be a disappointment. Remember: Put him back in, THEN zip up."

"I may have stayed an extra year, but thanks to you I know I'm not the biggest idiot here."

"Good luck to you Ethan. I presume that's how you got this far and you're such a nice guy I wouldn't want you to fail just because you're an idle, lazy bum."

"I don't know why I'm signing this, Ethan. I live on your street. All I can say is, please don't hit on my mum while I'm at uni. Nor when I'm back. Or when I'm anywhere else. Just please don't hit on my mum."

Post

2006-03-17T06:16:00.000Z

"Dear Blogger, I have a friend who thinks most men are scum, but you know what? She's got justifiable reasons."

Words for Vagina

2006-03-14T04:37:00.000Z

This is a list of words for 'vagina'. It just struck me as a good thing to do. Then I didn't want to simply delete the list once I had run out of ideas, so here it is. Thanks to everyone who contributed.

Vagina
Vulva
Box
Pussy
Cunt
Quim (British)
Funzone
Partyzone
Muff
Muffin
Fud (Scottish)
Fadge (British)
Fangita (British)
Garage
Minge
Privates
Bajingo
Cunny
Flange
Flaps
Lips
Cumbucket
Crotchbucket (For a loose one)
Wizard sleeves (For a flabby one)
Hole
Canal
Sausage suit
Penis warmer
Sausage bun
Taco
Kebab Roll
Sausage McMuffin
Twat
Vagine (Borat!)
Slit
Snatch
Fanny
Cootiehole
Flower (Monica from 'Friends')
Mary (?!)
Tootie
Bush
The Pitch
Ronaldo (Brazilian)
Berk(shire Hunt) (Rhyming slang, think about it.)
The barn

Life after Mugglenet

2006-02-28T22:41:00.000Z

After a quick punch in the face from Sly, I feel the urge to update the blog I've neglected on a regular basis.

Just thought I'd let you know that despite the bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, I'm doing well without mugglenet. I've taken up a new hobby (emo bashing) aswell as reasserted my chatroom behaviour (tripping over the line of appropriateness).

And now, in a post inspired by Sev, I'm going to post a bunch of quotes which caught my attention today (leaving out the really nasty stuff... you at empire know what I'm talking about).

* Guest15842 is now known as penis
(Draco) Hey guest15842 stop impersonating a moderator.
(][RookeWood][) HaHa.
(][RookeWood][) Laughing Out Loud.
(][RookeWood][) HaHa.
(Pendragon) ..
(][RookeWood][) HaHa.
(JONNY) ROFL Draco
(][RookeWood][) Rolling on the Floor Laughing.
* penis has quit IRC (Quit: EmmaWatson.Net Emma-Watson.Net)
(][RookeWood][) Oh my God...Draco, that was hilarious.

(Raisildur) having a dicks good fun
(Raisildur) ive only ripped it open twice
(Raisildur) once on a barbed wire fence
(Raisildur) and once
(Raisildur) on the zip for my jeans :)
(MrOrange) lol
* Draco cringes
(Raisildur) i tell you what
(Raisildur) ive never seen something bleed so much
* Lily_Yeah shudders
(Raisildur) blood everywhere
(Raisildur) there was basically a hole in my foreskin on the side

(Nick233) Who have new CD Garry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?
(dejah[awayin]) ^_^V
(Nick233) Harry*
(ThisAintNoUnderscore) Garry Potter?
(ThisAintNoUnderscore) Imposter!
(dejah[awayin]) Garry eh
(dejah[awayin]) sounds hot
(dejah[awayin]) xD
(ThisAintNoUnderscore) Actually that's the name of my parody hero
(ThisAintNoUnderscore) Gary Stu, though.
(Nick233) :)
(dejah[awayin]) lol
(ThisAintNoUnderscore) Hagrid: "Yer a wizard, Gary." Gary: "Me? But I can't be, I'm just Gary... just plain old Gary. ...apart from my awesome-o POWAHS! but yes, just plain Gary..."

(puppy_scripting) something tells me Ryzer isnt paying attention

* Loki is now known as ][Loki][
(][MacNair][) ...
(][Loki][) now i'm cool.
(][MacNair][) You`re on ignore now.
(][Loki][) Haha
* ][Loki][ pwns
* [Arthur_Weasley] is now known as ][Arthur_weasley[]
(][Loki][) Haha
(James) Failure.
(][Loki][) You messed it up Weasley
(][MacNair][) HaHa.

(Nick706) huhu?
(Nick706) anybody there??
(Loki) No. they all saw your face and ran.
(Nick706) lol
(][MacNair][) HaHa.
(][MacNair][) Loki: Very Mature of you.
(Loki) So's your face.

(][MacNair][) Loki = Emma Watson.
(sock) ][MacNair][, don't lie to the users
(][MacNair][) Loki = Emma Watson, in my opinion?

(][MacNair][) Well, the truth is, I am Rupert Frint.
(][MacNair][) G*
(Alexei) ][MacNair][: enough with impersonating and tricking n00bz
(][MacNair][) I am not...I said I was Gupert Frint.

(][MacNair][) This channel discusses everything but harry potter.
(sock) ...
(LordVoldemort) Yeah
(LordVoldemort) I hate that guy.
(Nick706) lol
(Nick706) who?
(Nick706) me?
(SMH) which guy
(LordVoldemort) ...
(][MacNair][) HaHa.
(LordVoldemort) You've ruined it.
(LordVoldemort) Honestly.
(Nick706) which guy?
(LordVoldemort) I just.... you......
(][MacNair][) HaHa.
(][MacNair][) Laughing Out Loud.
(Nick706) lol
* LordVoldemort gives up and goes in search of intelligent life.

(Loki) Arnie's Pizza Parlour: This is the answering machine. I am out killing people. If you want a pizza, you won't get one. Unless you want extra bullets with your anchovies.
(Loki) Maybe I'll give you a pizza. Maybe I'll give you a chest full of lead.

(Toy_Soldier) incase u rit the full word
* Loki buys a Toy_Soldier - English / English - Toy_Soldier dictionary.
(Loki) Interesting... it's like a cross between English, German and Moron.

(PureBlood) omfg; wow i am to believed that Lori is a English teacher
(PureBlood) *Loki
(Arthur_weasley) sorry sir
(Arthur_weasley) Loki Loki can i go to the toiley?
(Loki) Only if you promise to get it -in- the pan this time, Arthur_weasley.

Sex, lies and ... Mugglenet Chat?

2006-02-13T03:45:00.000Z

So much has happened since I quit Mugglenet on Thursday... that was supposed to be a fun blog entry in itself, but its just snowballed. The long and short of it is mugglenet chat appears to be closing down for a while:

Regrettably, MuggleNet Chat has been closed for the forseeable future. We know this is sudden, but due to unforeseen circumstances, we have been left with no other course of action. In the event the chat will ever re-open, all room and nickname registrations will be archived. While this gateway page is now left as only a notice of closure, the chat network and servers will still be online until February 17, 2006. All users are urged to save any information they find useful, or may be required to move to another chat network. We would like to show our appreciation for those users who have been with us the entire time, and especially those staff who invested their personal time on this endeavor.

Don't, whatever you do, assume that I quit and all the Net Admins felt their soul die and needed to close chat. A hell of a lot of things happened, most completely beyond my knowledge and/or control, which have eventually led to Mugglenet Chat being in a bit of a state. I reiterate: I do not claim either blame or credit for Mugglenet's closure. Think Butterfly Effect.

Anyway, there's just too much stuff to explain in a single entry as to what has happened, so I got a great, great, person to simply interview me on what they wanted to know, so that I could answer that first and foremost and deal with other details later. This post is by no means comprehensive and so you have to have a fair knowledge of events for this to make any sense.

When did you first get the idea that you wanted to quit?

Well, like any mod (I presume) I had plenty of times where I wanted to quit, then decided not to for various reasons. The first time I was seriously going to do it was right after I went on holiday to Gibraltar. I had been away for two weeks and felt a lot better for it - quitting seemed like the obvious choice. When I came back, they made me server admin - and two days later Services Admin and the rise in status made me rethink - maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to stay after all. I already knew by then, however, that I didn't enjoy modding - I didnt want to deal with mainers etc. Not much to do with any of the other mods though.

So that was your reason for quitting?

Had I quit in December, that would've been my one reason with no others. But... When they made me Services Admin, I asked myself what on Earth I had done to deserve it. Irishlad, James and firebreathinghorntail were all moved up from Server Admin, which was understandable. Rich was promoted alongside me, to cover for fbh on omaha, understandably. Me? With no computer knowledge beyond the basic shun/gline stuff...? No reason whatsoever. So I asked Beth.

She couldn't give me any particular answer either - but she did mention to me that she didn't feel I was the one there who was least deserving. I instantly thought she meant either Ray or James - she was too chummy with Rich and fbh for it to be them. And I knew that within a few weeks one of them would be gone.

Do you feel that James was removed unjustly?

Definitely. It was while we were recruiting new moderators - plenty of good applications were turned down for a variety of reasons, and some chatter had apparently been told that his application was better than most and he should've got a trial. So this chatter starts mouthing off in one of the private rooms - where James happened to be idling. BAM! Suspended for "leaking staff information".

Was any evidence provided that actually proved that he was leaking staff information? Or was it all speculation?

They never had any evidence. Other than him happening to be in the room while that chatter yapped on.

Then of course, there were the disputes with Swagato and Brentos - those are complicated, but trust me neither deserved to be fired (though in technicality Brentos resigned).

What evidence was provided to support the firing of Swagato?

Well they fired him for 'leaking staff information'. (They're fond of that one.) They kept that one between the Net Admins as far as they could.

Did he leak information?

Not as far as I see - from what I've heard he said, it was all stuff that chatters knew anyway. What's interesting to note though is that both James and Swagato had had personal arguments with Beth mere days before they were fired.

Why did Brentos really resign?

Brentos' resignation I feel is personal to him. I don't particularly want to go into it without first consulting with him at very least. But he was in a corner - he had no choice but to resign, I feel.

The last ircop they fired was ANTDx1, which pissed me off personally, because he was an IRCop on my server, which was woefully short of experienced moderators and they fired him without consulting me at all. And the reason they told me? I have no idea what they told him, by the way. But Beth was frank with me. She and Laura don't like Ian (ANTDx1), and they weren't ever going to promote him, so there was no point having him there. And I paraphrase only very slightly.

So their reason for firing him was that they didn't like him?

Precisely.

Do you think they used Brent to gain power, just to dismiss him in the long run?

Brentosgate was very complicated, but Beth was suddenly very nice to people she hadn't been nice to for months - seemingly only to get him fired. For once he was disposed of, she ceased talking to those people.

Describe Beth's (and Laura's) attitude to you before and after they were promoted.

Laura never had much to do with me. She always seemed rather immature to me and when she and Beth got together they were like a pair of giggly, bitchy teenage girls.

Beth I knew rather well. She befriended me back in April, I believe, when I was fairly new to the chat. She only noticed me because I had most of main trying to guess who I had a 'crush' on. (I was young - I was allowed to have a crush!)

Was it me?

Yes, of course! Marry me!

Done. ..back to Beth.

Erm.. she's a little.. hard to take. She will lauch herself at you relentlessly, if she wants your attention. And has this annoying habit of thinking she's something entirely new to every other girl on the planet. I had to grit my teeth a fair bit when she flirted with me. And she fancied me. A lot. That's probably why I was modded and got as far as I got. I'm the first to admit I didn't deserve a mod spot, having been a troublemaker in main, and I didnt deserve to be Services at all.

Beth always treated me well. In a way, I can see how it's a bit mean of me to throw it in her face, but in the end it wasn't worth putting up with her just to retain my mod position.

Would you say that her actions were inappropriate for an admin? (In regards to her advances on you.)

Yes, though once she had me on her msn list she made her advances there rather than on mugglenet. Until then, using the network to solicit it never deterred her.

Would you say that she treated staff fairly?

Well, if you mean treating all staff equally, then no. But then, if you mean treating everyone individually the same way every time... then no again. I mean.. I was promoted for nothing. James was fired for nothing. It all depends entirely on her mood and what she thinks of you as a friend.

Would you consider her unstable?

Haha, maybe not a complete and utter loon. But she definitely neglects reasoning if it clashes with her emotion. She frequently told me her self-control is something she values - it hurts me to say she doesn't demonstrate having much of it.

How did Beth's actions affect your decision to quit?

Well I realised that as long as I was in Beth's pocket, I was sorted. The problem was, I felt genuinely uncomfortable with her - ffs, no I don't want to cyber, yknow? I dreaded getting messages from her and I couldn't very well block her. I knew that if I outright rebelled and told her to leave me the F alone, I'd lose her friendship and my oline. I figured I'd lose her friendship anyway, cos I just didnt want to have to deal with her anymore. So I put my plan in place - I was going out in style!

Lol! Where did you get the mass kick script? :)

Now, that'd be telling! Masskick scripts are freely available if you google for them, but my script, I got someone nifty with scripting to personalise it for me - though at the time they didnt know why.

Explain: Wallow in your own filth, Pigs of Satan!!!!!!

Haha! I have to give credit to Slythergenic for that beauty. She knew my plan in its entirity, as well as the reasoning. I told her that I thought of Mugglenet as repulsive and between us we came up with the catchy little phrase that seemingly has gone down in history. But "Pigs of Satan" was her part. I seriously love that woman.

What was your involvement in the post-kick festivities?

'Festivities' meaning 'disruption', none. I merely came back to watch the chaos.

What do you want to say to the current MNC administration?

You mean what's left of it? Rik's already quit - he's a good guy. I'm sorry he had to get caught up in all this rubbish.

To Rich and Ray - no qualms with you. I love you like brothers.

PetPeeves - whatever your reasoning, quitting was the right course of action. I hear it's because of your own personal reasons and the latest chaos was just a final push. I hope whatever happens with you goes well.

Beth - I know you're puzzled as fuck, but I just lost respect for you. I hope you come to realise that you've made a few bad decisions - and after my quit, some horrendously bad ones. I also hope, probably in vain, that you're not too proud to admit you've been wrong and take the right course of action: standing down. Besides, your personal life needs sorting out even more than mnc does. Try focussing on that for a while instead.

firebreathinghorntail - you're tricky. I used to respect you, but you've become my staunchest critic. I think its rich that you, even today, tell mainers to remain courteous and whatnot, yet tell them that if they support me they're idiots. Surely its up to them to decide? Either way, you're hardly in a position to form any coherent critique of me, so I forgive you for your shortsightedness in the matter.

And last of all Ryzer, the only server admin mnc had. You're probably confused. I only hope you're old enough to have a nice, stout glass of port.

Damon - I know you've had a long, rather cosy friendship with Beth. But just as she does, you're allowing your attachments to cloud your vision. She's not capable.

Discuss IrishFaerie's permanent g:line.

Bollocks. Complete and utter bollocks. It's no secret Beth didn't like Irishfaerie and so she opportunistically used IrishFaerie's support as a reason to gline her. All IrishFaerie did was have a nickname that had a reference to me in it. There is a long, long, boring, perplexing history of Beth's dislike of IrishFaerie and she's never once produced a scrap of evidence why. Beth acted purely out of spite, in my opinion.

Is there anything else you want to say?

Yeah, Beth said she would've quit the same way, so none of Beth's supporters can really criticise my actions effectively. Not without compromising their Fuehrer.

Is there more?

Is there something in particular you're getting at?

The thing everyone really wants to know: how old are you?

Hahahaha! Legal!

And another one

2006-01-14T11:09:00.000Z

Smartass
You are 100% Rational, 100% Extroverted, 85% Brutal, and 100% Arrogant.

You are the Smartass! You are rational, extroverted, brutal, and arrogant. You probably consider people who are emotional and gentle to be big pussies who are obviously in lesser stature than you. You have many flaws, despite your seeming intelligence and cool-headedness. For instance, you aren't very nice. In fact, you're probably an asshole. And you are conceited and self-centered. Not only that, but you are very loud and vocal about all this, seeing as how you are extroverted. There is no better way to describe you than as a "smartass", I'm afraid. Perhaps just "ass" would do, too. But that's a little less literary and descriptive. At any rate, your main personality defect is the fact that you are self-centered, mean, uncaring, and brutally logical.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Emo Kid.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Braggart, and the Sociopath.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

If you like good humor, be sure to take my girlfriend's Mullet Test, because it is much more awesome than this test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 93% on Rationality

You scored higher than 95% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 91% on Brutality

You scored higher than 98% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Ethan are magic

2006-01-14T02:49:00.000Z

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.

I only do these things cos I can't be bothered to write a proper blog entry, though I could comment on a million things, like my exams being over (whoo!) the giggle fit I had in my last exam for no particular reason (earned a few angry/perplexed looks), the kid on the bus with a ditz of a mother ("You know, Johnathan, I saw a shop that sold those delightful charity bands you wear," "Great."), me getting jumped (I just got a big scratch on my cheek. If I find the fuckers I'll run them over for ruining my gorgeous visage). Yeah, plenty of stuff has happened this week, but all I'm telling you is I'm an air mage.

HARSH!

2006-01-06T22:07:00.000Z

The Hornivore
Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSMm)

Don't ever marry, you're The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman.

The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There's one thing you want, one sole need.

Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It's unlikely

Your exact opposite:
The Slow Dancer

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer

you're driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige.

For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them.

"One day, the villagers came with torches to the house. In the smoldering ashes, stray dogs looked for cooked flesh."

AVOID: The Priss, The Sonnet
CONSIDER: Half-Cocked, Genghis Khunt

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: RampantHeathen

Political thingymawodgit

2006-01-06T21:50:00.000Z

You are a
Social Liberal
(60% permissive)

and an...
Economic Conservative
(80% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Capitalist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

My God I love the internet

2006-01-05T04:30:00.000Z

[Th3No0b] Im going to be the next hitler
[Th3No0b] Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
[RageAgainsttheAmish] why the clown
[Th3No0b] See? no one cares about the jews
[RageAgainsttheAmish] lmao

Twenty inchers and hard drives.

2006-01-01T21:28:00.000Z

I remembered I have Skype, today. I invited two seemingly innocent chatters into our convo and once the likes of Stubo, Stace and Mili had left, the conversation soon turned to utter FILTH, under the pretence of talking about computers.

Snippets of conversation:

Chris: "You want it?"
Adam: "Yeah, how big is it?"
Ethan o O (WTF?)

Chris: "How big is your harddrive?"

Adam: "Yeah. I've got a twenty inch one."

As naughty as the whole conversation was, I take pride in being the one who brought them together. So here is a pic, commemorating this beautiful day:

Women's football

2005-11-24T22:21:00.000Z

I think we should invest more in womens football. This picture sums up the benefits of doing so:

Really redefines "Fantasy Football".

--

In other news, John Major reveals how he succeeded in gaining party support where Margaret Thatcher hadn't:

Sweet science

2005-11-09T20:23:00.000Z

Today, my mother asked me to go to the corner shop and buy two four-pint bottles of milk. After throwing a complete strop and declaring loudly "I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!" I took twenty pounds from her purse and trumped off to buy the offending liquid. While I was there, something caught my eye. Wiping a tear of pain away, I picked it up, wondering why someone had launched it at me so viciously. It was ... a pack of Skittles. I know you're as excited as I was. Anyway, as you do, I wanted to arrange them into rainbows, but what I realised when I got home is that, despite the "taste the rainbow" advertising campaign, Skittles DON'T COME IN BLUE. I was most upset. The only way to rectify this, of course, was to go buy similar sweets that come in blue, this left me with a choice of smarties and M&Ms. Being the glutton that I am, I bought both packs, thanking my superior genetics for my fast, chub-busting metabolism.

Anyway, first some pictures of my sweetie experiment, then some conclusions:

Conclusions:

You cannot 'taste the rainbow' with Skittles alone.
Skittles > M&Ms > Smarties
There are far too few orange skittles (compare three orange to 19 red)
Eating a pack of Skittles, M&Ms and Smarties in quick succession, WILL make you ill.

Anyway, since I was taking photos, I thought I'd take a pic of the beautiful and magnificent Lady-Dog who is known as THE PI. However, as per usual, she refuses to sit still and so her moving, combined with the 'soft' (i.e. shite) lighting in our living room, means that all you can see is a furry blob (which is actually quite a good description of The Pi, now I think about it).

And yes, I did completely forget to rotate that photo, but now you fat bastards (oh, hi Deea!) can engage in some gentle exercise by tilting your head gently to the right. Good good, now, deep breath and back to the centre. Well done! You just burnt 0.000054kcals. Award yourself with a stab in the face.

On the topic of dogs (or is it excercise? I forget.) Mili and I thought we'd throw in a pic of Pedro for you, so here is Pedro, looking suave:

The pair of us thought it would be cool if they had a little doggy marriage, but it transpired that neither dog liked other dogs at all (Pedro likes chasing small furry dogs and The Pi IS a small furry dog.) and therein lay an incompatibility. Tis a shame cos now I've bought that bridesmaid dress for nothing -sobs-.

As if I hadn't buggered up the layout of this entry enough, here's an old pic of the Pi (before her fluffiness developed properly):

Bah, you can barely see that one either. Ah well, she is going to have to remain elusive and mysterious and you can dream about her and write fanfics about her just like I do. Anyway, bleg ontry ends here.

Separation of Powers

2005-11-07T14:11:00.000Z

As I sit in the university library, procrastinating well enough to represent my country, I console myself with the fact that, although I don't like writing essays or even reading about what I'm supposed to be writing an essay for (due in at 4pm today), I can apply the legal principles behind them. Take the separation of powers of the executive, judiciary and legislative for instance. It can be loosely defined as such:

a) members of branches of government will not occupy roles within the other branches of government,
b) a given branch of government will not control another branch,
c) a given branch will not perform the role of another branch.

Relating this to the UK Parliament (as my essay prescribes) is somewhat boring, so instead I'm going to relate it to Mugglenet Chat.

In Mugglenet, there is no deliberate attempt at a separation of power. There is also a distinct lack of democracy but that's a whole different issue and not one I care to address, since it is due to this fact that I thrive there. Your standard IRCop is a member of the judiciary - we read and interpret the rules, then kick people out for the hell of it. The admins occupy a role which I would say is the executive - they drive things forward, such as recruiting more IRCops and seeking out ways to fix problems and improve Mugglenet chat as a whole. The server owners are the legislature, as far as I can see. I add that qualification as no one is really sure quite what the server owners do anyway, but I'm sure they must get a fair bit of influence of what becomes new legislature (that's rules to you and me, http://www.mugglenet.com/chat/rules.html <-- I can type that at lightning speed now. Bow to my modliness.)

There is no separation of power in regard to the judiciary since IRCops, admins and server owners all get to come into main and boot people. The judiciary also can't deem a new piece of legislature as unconstitutional. The executive also put a lot of legislature forward, although they seem to need to be ratified by the legislative before they can be implemented. The legislature can do what the f*** they want. They pwn the whole system.

I should've just made that point before I bothered thinking about it at all. Problem solved. I wonder if my public law tutor will accept this in lieu of my actual essay? I'd say it's a lot more interesting, but it's not actually. The separation of powers is about the most boring thing you can write about. Luckily for me, it is 3/4 done and I have two hours in which to finish, so I'm going to steamroll through it, then make up some references and fancy quotes, then look forward to my geaming feedback in a week's time. Honestly, they'll frame it and lawyers for centuries will gather round to look at it, mouth's open in awe and tongues salivating in anticipation of its aromatic something or another.

Anyway, back to work.

Randoms.

2005-10-04T20:03:00.000Z

I just wanted to show you guys some stuff. Here is the first, sent to me by an Imperial College student who shall remain anonymous to protect her identity (and yes, that does say the same thing twice):

I'm glad the Gimps know where they stand.

The second (rather alarming thing) I wanted to show you is this link, a mere letter away from my own ~~humble~~ awesome blog:

http://rampantheathen.blogpsot.com

I take this opportunity to remind you that the Rampant Heathen (i.e. me) does not condone any sort of religious or moral action. It's 'Rampant Heathen', not 'Repent, Heathen'.

That is all.

CHAIRS

2005-10-02T19:17:00.000Z

Wootah I got a new computer chair. You may not share my excitement, but my old chair I affectionately refer to as my 'frisbee chair', cos the seat part is held only by one screw and one bent screw, both of which like to fall out at the same time, so as I skillfully glide across my room to my desk, I land on my frisbee chair and sail through the air like a one-way boomerang. But gone are those days. Or are they? I find that my new chair is taller than the last and so at the moment I am quite comfortably sitting on the new chair and using the old one as a foot rest. This can also prove entertaining if I bring a friend round to watch a DVD and they decide to fly onto (and straight off) the frisbee chair.

Yes, I did just have freshers' week - and instead, I'm telling you about office furniture. It's a crazy world.

This is a low

2005-09-12T18:06:00.000Z

In addition to a Blur song, this is actually a low. I think people don't even realise they're on the way down until they do something utterly stupid and then cannot justify their actions in any way possible. Luckily, for me it wasn't anything that caused anyone else great damage, it was merely the act of throwing my phone down three flights of stairs, simply because it made the tell-tale beep that said I have voicemail and I simply couldn't bear to check it. In fact, just a moment ago the landline rang and I could feel my pulse rising and my breath quickening with anger. Your social life shouldn't stress you like this. I had a bath and it lasted the best part of four hours because I was so thoroughly depressed with everything around me that I couldn't see the point in mustering the energy to wash my hair or soap myself. In the end, having been in the tub for that long, I came out wrinkled as a prune but dirty as the moment I got in.

Basically, my problem is that I don't have the attention span for anything. Granted, I've been blowing off my adhd medication, but that's because it made me a lot of things I'm not. Now I find that people are calling me and keeping me on the phone when I don't want them to, getting me to go out when I don't want to stay out for hours etc. I find myself a slave to other people and I can't stand it. The thought of university is beginning to frighten me because I have to socialise with new people and they invariably demand my attention for more than five minutes apiece. I wish meeting people at freshers was like speed dating. "Hi, I'm Ethan. I play football. Oh, you do too? Great, let's go for a kickabout tomorrow." DING! "Hi, I'm Ethan. You're cute - why don't you give me your phone number? Awesome, I'll call you sometime." DING!

Alas, life doesn't work like that. So for now, I'm merely going on a hiatus. Just getting away from everyone and everything. Maybe read a (short) book. Perhaps it's time to stop trying to please everyone. I know a few friends who act as if the world will end if I don't go clubbing. It won't. It still spins on its axis. It still revolves around the sun.

The plan is I don't go out. I don't answer my phone. I don't chat on the net. I basically don't do anything social. I don't blame anyone but myself; I know it's my own shortcoming that I can't put up with things, but that's me and I'm going to have to embrace it if I'm to handle it. I also spread myself too thinly. I do half my mum's work. I'll hang around at Angie's just to keep her company, even if I don't feel up to it. Lots of tiny, probably unnecessary things build up and it's just got to that point where I'm putting my foot down and doing nothing. I'm going to enjoy the silence for a while.

And buy myself a new phone.

Never go on holiday with an anorexic.

2005-09-08T13:11:00.000Z

I'm not sure if I want to kill her or myself. Either way a nice bit of bloodshed ought to break the tension a little.

The following words sum up the general mood of this holiday:

ARGH
Wank
Grrr
Piss
Psssh.
Pttoey!
Gah.
Pah.
And another 'grrr' for good measure.

Prague, on the other hand is quite nice. The bits that don't stink of piss are quite pretty.

Definitely somewhere to take the lads, not a girl. Having said that, there isn't much talent here. So a place to bring the lads and a pre-tested, suitable, pretty, shaggable girl.

Make Me a Pirate.

2005-09-04T20:11:00.000Z

Click on the link below and make me a pirate please. I'd really appreciate it since Johnny Depp RUINED IT FOR ME. I hate him almost as much as I hate toenails.

Anyway, click on the link below. Make me a pirate. Don't ask me why Rum and Monkey get to decide whether or not I'm a pirate. We all know, deep down, that I am one anyway, but I just thought I'd make it official. Go on, click it. Consider it your good deed for the decade.

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

2005-09-02T19:28:00.000Z

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Extreme
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Rumours Confirmed - Ethan is too vastly intelligent for his own good.

2005-09-02T04:56:00.000Z

Yes, it's true. I am stupidly intelligent. How have I reached this conclusion? Well, there are several methods, each confirming the others' results.

The first is that I find most everyone around me obscenely stupid. By logic, surely it is more likely that I am the abnormality, rather than the rest of the world being unbearably idiotic. Thus, we can conclude that given my coherence, obvious superiority and intellectual morality, I am stupendously bright.

The second is that when I debate anything with anyone, I invariably corner them (figuratively speaking) which forces them to either back down, change topic or babble nonsensically. Today I found myself in a debate in which the unfortunate moron had to repeatedly resort to answering completely non sequitur. People like this make me believe I was a serial rapist, paedophile and Catholic in a past life, for having to encounter them.

The third is that all intellectual institutions fucking love me, be it my old school, AQA, Edexcel or any university. And it's not just because I shag all the examiners.

I shall stop here, not because I have run out of reasons (I could go on for pages) but because my God Complex is beginning to shine through and over time I have learned that it is quite unbecoming.

Instead, I shall give you readers hope that you might not be the most stupid people on the internet. The link below (given to me by Maha) shows some people below whom there is no space for further idiocy:

http://www.365gay.com/newscon05/08/083105nola.htm

I'm inclined to believe Douglas Adams when he said dolphins and mice are smarter than humans. I asked my pet rat if he was more intelligent than I and he threw a cornflake at me. I think this indicates some level of disdain - either he thinks of me as below him or he resents my superiority over him. I shall have to investigate further.

So, readers, I leave you with the sentiment that although you may think you have life bad and things are getting you down, nothing compares to the curse of my superior knowledge (unless you are Stephen Hawking, in which case , I can empathise).

NEW PIC OF ME!

2005-08-31T05:52:00.000Z

Short, stupid post

2005-08-28T01:11:00.000Z

Well, I can't be bothered to blog (as ever). Even though there have been exciting events in my life, I'm merely posting today's entry to leave you with a few items to consider.

The first is a quote by someone I had previously respected. It is of course, Maha (an easy deduction to make, seeing as I only respect about three people in the world and one of them is Dennis Bergkamp, obviously). Lovely girl, a little too left wing for my liking (having said that, she likes skinning babies, which to me can only make her great) but all in all I thought she was intelligent, fun etc. I comment on her today because she finally said something so incredibly stupid that I can't help but mock her:

"don't diss a cultural hub like france, douchebag"

She also kicked me for the comment (she is very kick-happy) but I couldn't help but laugh. Cultural? France? Pssshhh. The only reason she thinks it's cultural is because America doesn't have a culture of its own (excl. the McDonalds lifestyle and the Chasing Youths With Guns phenomenon). There are plenty more cultural places in the world, all of them a million times more fascinating than France. Here are some ideas for those of you who have been misled into thinking France has culture:

1. Malaysia. This is Angie's homeland. She calls it the Mother country even though she was born and raised in Hackney (as all greats are). A portion of stir-fried noodles costs about 10p. Clean, white, fine-sand beaches. Buddhist temples. Hindu temples. Mosques. Lots of temples in fact. Lots of big hills to climb (Becca would do well there). This place is so multi-ethnic and so full of culture it makes Tower Hamlets seem like a White Trash suburb.

2. Malawi. Somewhere I myself have been and thoroughly recommend as a real eye-opener. You don't get the full extent of the rich/poor divide in the world unless you go to a place like this. This teaches you lessons you can never learn from a TV programme or from a speech. Live in a mud hut, bathe in dirty water, feed a starving child. Then go and lounge in your 5-star hotel room and browse your 346 channels on Sky TV. Can France change your perception of the world like this? No.

3. Australia. First things first, they make shit beer. But don't be put off by the piss-water. Australia is one of the few places in the world large enough to have vast, modern cities and then wild bushland less than a mile away from the centre of town. Sydney is home to the world's most famous opera house (and if you don't count opera as culture, you can just fuck off. Go on, stop reading now, philistine.) the Olympic village and the great big mofo that is the outback.

So there you have it. Three places more cultural than France off the top of my head, excluding the greatest place in the world (Hackney). I would've written a lot more, but I couldn't be bothered to list what is so great about all of them, because if you don't know, you are uneducated and not worthy of the visual feast that is my blog. Places better than France include Tanzania, South Africa, GERMANY (in its awesomeness in every way - history, architecture, language, natural spas etc) India, Russia, China, Japan, BRAZIL (had to do a case study on it for Geography GCSE and it sounds so utterly amazing that I will be unfulfilled if I die before seeing it), Uruguay, Nicaragua (the politics and history is fascinating), Spain, (Ethan now lists the rest of the countries of the world, in no particular order, as long as France is last).

Another thing I had to comment on today, was a link, which, unfortunately, Maha posted. Unfortunate because I used to respect this woman so much, but now she seems like a crazy old lady with a cat obsession. I'm now incredibly disillusioned. It's like being 14 all over again. This is the Earth-shattering link:

http://catsinsinks.com/

I wish I could tell you the name of the site is misleading and that it's actually a very funny, exciting link, but it's really not. 'What it says on the tin' should apply to Ronseal, not this link.

As an extension to the above, (she seems to be on a cat trip, perhaps her cat put something in her drink?) she also gave us this link, which is a novel idea but the cat wears an expression which can only mean "I hate you, you bastard, and the second I get out of this box I'm going to maul your face".

http://www.robotcombat.com/video/elvis_hi.mov

That is all, agent Mulder.

Yes, someone here has Paint Shop Pro

2005-08-14T00:46:00.000Z

Can you guess who?

Yet again, I've been inspired by Sly, but this time, it was cos the tube map she chose was too fucking big. So, I cut out all the boring bits and highlighted all the bits everyone should know, even if you never intend to travel by the London Underground.

This is the best place in the world:

This is at the end of the Piccadilly line and was simply too funny not to include:

This is why I always travel from Stansted airport:

This is a tube station dedicated to my hair:

Tottenham really is crap, and I'm not just saying that cos Tottenham Hotspur are Arsenal's rivals.

And this picture here just proves that the London Underground is the largest tube network in the world. Suck on that, New York.

Edinburgh Quotes

2005-08-13T23:03:00.000Z

Again, I find myself too lazy to write a proper blog entry, so here are some random quotes from my recent trip to Edinburgh.

Ethan: Are we nearly there yet?
Angie: No.
Ethan: Are we nearly there yet?
Angie: No.
Ethan: Are we nearly there yet?
Silence.
Ethan: Are we nearly there yet?
Prolonged silence.
Ethan: Will you sleep with me?

Ethan: Stop jogging the table, Cally!
Five seconds later.
Ethan: Stop jogging the table, Cally!
Five seconds later.
Ethan: Stop jogging the table, Cally!
Cally: Ethan, stop being a prat or I'll tell Angie about the text you sent Becca.
Ethan abruptly shuts up.
Cally: Oh my God! There was actually a text?

Ethan: We come to the fucking capital of Scotland and you want to climb fucking hills three days out of four? Why go for the grassy ones? The whole of this fucking city is one big fucking hill, at least we could see some landmarks while we climb fucking hills!
Becca: Are you done?
Ethan: No.
Pause.
Becca: You were done, weren't you?
Ethan: ...no.
Becca: Yeah you were.
Ethan: No, I was going to swear more.
Becca: Go o-
Ethan: FUCK SHIT ARSE CUNT WHORE ANAL SLUT PUSSY TWAT!

Angie: I'm never travelling with you again.
Ethan: We're going to Prague on the fifth.
Pause.
Angie: FUCK.

Angie: Why do I put up with you?
William: Cos you love me.
Angie: Fuck you.
William: Not in public, love!

Patrick: Scotland is the native home of the Ugly Tree. This gene pool mings. This is Uggobrough. The men are fat and ugly. The women are skinny and ugly. I want to go back to beautiful England!

Ethan stops a stranger.
Ethan: Excuse me ma'am. Did you eat all the pies?

Angie: Am I fat?
Becca: Pssh. No.
Angie: No really, am I fat?
Becca: No you're not.
Angie: You're not bullshitting me?
Becca: You're very slim.
Angie: Are you sure?
William: No. She's lying. You could do with losing a few pounds.
Angie: I knew it!
William: Then why did you ask?

Ethan: One.
Ethan: Two.
Ethan: Three.
Ethan: Four.
This continues...
Ethan: Sixty-seven.
Angie: STOP IT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU COUNTING FOR?
William: Told you she could only stand you for one minute.

Patrick: I think Becca would like this handbag.It goes with those boots she got.
Ethan: Bent.
William: Gay.

Becca: I haven't got the Half Blood Prince.
Ethan: I'll lend it to you.
Becca: No, that's ok.
Ethan: No, it's alright.
Becca: No, I mean I don't want to read it.
Ethan: I'll read it to you.
Becca: I don't want to hear the story.
Ethan: Yes you do.
Becca: No I don't.
Ethan: Yes you do.
Becca: No I don't.
Ethan: Yes you do.
Becca: Why should I read it?
Ethan: Cos I'll follow you around, quoting it, until you read it. Til your dying day.
Pause.
Becca: Give me the book.
Ethan: I'll test you on it.

After a play about Audrey Hepburn's anorexia.
William: Well that put me in a good mood.
Becca: What?
William: A good mood to slash my wrists in.

William: Do you reckon that mother over there will mind if I skin her child to shut it up?

Ethan finally finds some fit birds.
Ethan: And while I was there, I climbed Mount Kilamanjaro. I mean, I couldn't well leave it. How often are you in that part of the world?
Girl1: Wow.
Girl2: You must be so fit!
Ethan grins.
Angie catches up with Ethan and slings her arms around his neck.
Angie: Oh, there you are honey! I think it's time we get going now. I'm sure the babysitter doesn't want to stay too late, and little Joey will be missing his daddy!
Ethan: I hate you.

PICTURES!

2005-08-13T02:53:00.000Z

I've been thinking. As dangerous a concept as this is, I think you should give me a chance.

Ysee, I was browsing Sly's blog when I pondered just how lazy she must be for 'wtf picture day'. Really, she doesn't write anything, yet gets away with it. With this in mind, today's post will be assembled entirely of pictures.

Here is me at work:

Here's me in casual wear:

And here is a picture of me from my recent trip to Edinburgh:

Why yes, I am a natural red!

Sly, animals and other filthy things

2005-08-02T01:36:00.000Z

I'd like to start today's blog with a quote from Sly:

Demon? Isnt your middle name Damien? Hahaha *points at you and laughs*. Is that why you hide away on the net, so people cannnot see the 666 imprinted across thine forehead? Lol @ children trauma.

~Slythergenic

The odd thing is, I don't remember telling Sly my middle name, thus one can only conclude that she is in love with me to the unhealthy level of stalking me. The first step to recovery is stopping the googling, Sly.

Today, I discovered the true extent to which animals are inferior to humans. Having said this though, humans are animals too - and fairly stupid ones too - so I reckon we should just observe that all mammals are stupid. Vive la fish.

Anyway, we have five dogs (the more observant of you might notice there are more dogs than people in my house, in which case I throw a dog snack at you and applaud you for your athletic leap into the air to retrieve it. Good puppy.) and more often than not, if you feed them all together, they'll start fighting over food. Dogs are stupid to the extent that they can't make the simple deduction that five bowls of food = one bowl each. To get around this problem, I tend to feed two of the dogs in my room, one in the hall, one in the kitchen and one in the dining room. Today, it was getting to about eight in the evening, when I realised that, as I sat down to devour my dinner of chicken and vegetables, the dogs were eyeing my food hungriliy - they hadn't been fed yet. So I, with my conscience the size of the Grand Canyon, I put my meal on my desk in my room and went back downstairs to prep their food and feed them.

So, as normal, I put two of the dogs' bowls in my room and left them in there, set down another bowl of food in the hall for #3, fed another in the kitchen and the last in the dining room. When the dogs downstairs were done, I washed their bowls, left some biscuits out and put out some fresh water. Then I went back upstairs to get the first two dogs out of my room. Imagine my surprise when I enter my room to find my dinner gone, and a bowl of dogfood left near my desk to replace my meal.

:c| <-- that's me not looking impressed.

As if that weren't enough, I didn't think the dog food looked particularly appetising, so I scooped my pet rat, Ron, off his shelf and began filling his bowl with dog food (rats live in sewers, they're not fussy eaters). At this point, the dogs seemed to get a bit defensive about their food and proptly ate it out of Ron's bowl. Where is the logic?? Well, both Ron and I settled for our staple diet - Coco Pops.

Other filthy things:

My mind
Sly's mind
Most people's minds
Darren's flat
All of Darren's exes
... Darren
The underside of my car
My really old but v comfortable Nikes that I love to death
Everyone Sly fancies other than me
Hippies
My neighbours who happen to be French but that's not why I'm calling them filthy, honest.
Paedophiles
Mike. Oh wait, I already said 'paedohiles'.

For Andreea's benefit, I'm adding a filthy joke, cos I'd rather she be happy than have to deal with her hissy fit.

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively.

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a tonsil."

2005-07-31T09:37:00.000Z

Well, we all knew it would happen sooner or later. It's one of those stupid 'get to know your friends better!!11' questionnaire emails. The idea is you fill in the answers that apply to you and forward it to all your friends INCLUDING (and here's the important bit) the person who sent it to you.

Actually, I didn't get this through an email, I came across it through a random series of links I no longer remember taking, but I thought I'd fill it in and impose it apon your unsuspecting eyes. So "David", whomever you happen to be and however I came across your questionnaire, you probably won't get this back, which - I know, I know - defies the purpose of the email, but hey, I'm Ethan, not Mr. Givacrap. Nice to meet you!

THREE NAMES I GO BY:
1. Ethan
2. Eths
3. DeMon (first five letters of my surname, which was the subject of ridicule for many years at school. I'm scarred, I tell you. Scarred.)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My gorgeous visage.
2. My technically good physique.
3. Caesar. Yes, he's called Caesar.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Erm... my lips are a bit dry at the moment.
2. ...?
3. ...?

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. English
2. Imightpossiblyhaveabitofcoughfrenchcoughinmebutwedontliketotalkaboutthat
3. Erm.. more English.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Girls trying to own me.
2. My mum in a bad mood.
3. When girls gang up on you for telling them to embark on a group unbunching of their panties.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Eh? I don't get it really. Erm... soap.
2. Hair wax.
3. Comb.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Boxers.
2. Erm... hair wax.
3. N/A

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Blur.
2. Oasis.
3. Aerosmith.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Freedom.
2. Hugs.
3. Debates.

THREE TRUTHS:
1. I will never understand women.
2. I will never attempt to understand women.
3. I will never consider attempting to understand women.

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Hilarious sense of humour.
2. Ability to behave as childishly as I.
3. Ambition.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Chatting for far too long on the net.
2. Playing football/basketball or going to the gym.
3. Partying.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Get my extended family out of my house.
2. Make all the important calls etc I have to do on Monday.
3. Erm. Get laid? Dunno. I'm pretty hung up on all the stuff I have to do on Monday.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Lawyer.
2. Diplomat.
3. Living off the fat of the land. (My parents' land anyway).

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Back to Florida!! Wooo!
2. Touring one of the continents. Not fussy.
3. Germany. I love Germany.

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. What? Do they give them up when they come of age? Zaphod.
2. Ford.
3. Arthur.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Bring down the Labour Party.
2. Earn a shitload of money.
3. Erm... achieve immortality.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY/GIRL:
1. Wearing the same underwear for a week is not 'disgusting'. It's economical.
2. The offside rule is not that complicated.
3. Beer is the way forward.

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Catherine Zeta Jones.
2. Salma Hayek.
3. Cindy Crawford.

2005-07-30T10:05:00.000Z

The first truly inspired blog I've had in a while.

This was too funny to let it go without sharing it with the world. As you know, I frequent a fair few rooms on mugglenet. This is from spew. Now, in spew I have no op power, not even halfop, since spew is so full of people a million times more established that I probably wouldn't be considered for about five years, so fuck that lmao. Anyway, I am fairly established as a spewbie, so I do feel slightly offended when someone comes in with a stupid n00bish name and expects me not to treat them like filth. This is the case with a user who logged in as 'My_Chemical_Romance'. Unfortunately, this doesn't have a happy ending, but it's funny anyway. Bear in mind I get quite hyper when I haven't slept :D (And as a point of reference, there is a rumour that Gyll and I have been meaning to test, that eating pineapple makes your cum taste sweeter).

[02:43] * My_Chemical_Romance has joined #spew
[02:43] [RampantHeathen] my chemical romance sucks
[02:44] [My_Chemical_Romance] fucku u
[02:44] [Gyllian] :|
[02:44] * Gyllian thwacks Ethan.
[02:44] [My_Chemical_Romance] u clit sucker
[02:44] [RampantHeathen] Depends, if you're female, maybe
[02:44] [Gyllian] ....
[02:44] [Gyllian] My_Chemical_Romance, shut up.
[02:44] [RampantHeathen] I'm impartial to a bit of rug munching, why not?
[02:44] [RampantHeathen] I'm not selfish
[02:44] [RampantHeathen] I'm quite a giver in fact
[02:44] [RampantHeathen] So whaddya say?
[02:44] [Gyllian] Lol..
[02:44] * RampantHeathen prods My_Chemical_Romance
[02:44] [Gyllian] ETHAN
[02:44] [Gyllian] I ATE PINEAPPLE
[02:45] [Gyllian] WANNA TRY NOW?!
[02:45] * Gyllian snickers
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] lmao
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] I had forgotten the pineapple thing
[02:45] * Gyllian rolls over laughing
[02:45] [Gyllian] Don't ask.
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] Maybe My_Chemical_Romance can help us with our inventigations
[02:45] [Gyllian] Yes.
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] *investigations
[02:45] * Gyllian nods
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] hey My_Chemical_Romance
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] How would you like to suck me off/
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] ?
[02:45] * My_Chemical_Romance is now known as bored
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] I promise you it'll taste sweet
[02:45] [Gyllian] AHAHAHA
[02:45] [bored] ?
[02:45] [RampantHeathen] Lotsa pineapple ;)
[02:46] * Gyllian falls over laughing.
[02:46] [bored] fuck u u fag
[02:46] [RampantHeathen] In fact, you can eat pineapple rings off it
[02:46] * Gyllian chokes, laughing.
[02:46] [RampantHeathen] I'll be impressed if you can reach the last one
[02:46] [PTB-Away] jesus fucking christ
[02:46] [Gyllian] .... lol... Ethan, that's a bit too much o.0 pineapple rings..seriously.
[02:46] * PTB-Away sets mode: +b *!*@cloaked**Ethan'sIP**
[02:46] * You were kicked by PTB-Away (your banned untill I feel like unbanning you)

...and needless to say, that's where the encounter ends, but I thought it was hilarious. I'm still sniggering hehe. I quite like PTB's choice of "your" over "you're". The man's a genius ;c)

*Other users were deleted from the above log to.. erm.. protect their identities? Something like that.

2005-07-30T03:04:00.000Z

Well, I've had a boring, unproductive week, so instead of going through a long boring account of all the things I didn't get round to doing, here is a flow diagram of a typical day:

Nope, I didn't even eat.

I also apparently got dumped, but I wasn't even aware we were a couple for me to be dumped, so after the initial confusion I've decided I am miserable cos I'm not going to get laid until I get another 'not girlfriend'. I've spent most of the day singing "She's Gone" and getting thoroughly miserable. Also some mates stole me and forced me to go drinking with them. We spent most of the night bitching about women, and if Hollywood is accurate (and I've no doubt it is) we kick girls' arse at bitching. Darren is so bitchy that when Alison gave him chlamydia (and she knew she had it before sleeping with him), he slept with her sister before getting treatment. I've never been so proud of the lad.

I've also done about half of chapter two of Harry Potter and the Teflon Coated Frying Pan, so hopefully it should be up in a few days (but don't hold me to that).

Another development of interest is that I stayed up all of Wednesday night and didn't sleep during the day and so I went to bed at 9pm on Thursday and only got up at 4pm today. That's a total of nineteen hours sleep, math fans.

In other news, Ethan beats his own Shit Blog Entry record.

2005-07-27T01:46:00.000Z

I've been on blogthings.com and they had a whole section devoted to "You know you're x when you y". So, I thought I'd c&p some of the applicable lists here.

You know you're British when...

You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable. But of course!

You're always a half an hour late to work ... no-one notices or cares. More true than it ought to be.

Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week. True again.

You can actually give directions to some of those annoying tourists in Oxford Street! True but I avoid Oxford Street like the Plague.

You step over a drunk in the tube station rather than offering to help them. Well God knows what they've got.

You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast. I don't even bother opening the curtains anymore.

You consider a suit to be normal attire for the pub. Yes. Are you suggesting it isn't?

You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes. Again... are you suggesting to the contrary? Could you imagine me with messy hair? ME?

You dissolve in laughter when listening to the funny accent of the Aussie international telephone operator (or on TV!). Aussies are hilarious.

You think ?40 for a haircut is quite reasonable. Forty dollars yes, forty pounds no. Maybe for women's haircuts.

You can't remember what 'customer service' means. It means a spotty teenager gurgling down the reciever at you.

After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house. Or a kebabish.

More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive. I quite quickly tire of bright sunlight.

You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser. Well, as a waiter, I sympathise.

You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'. Yeah, cheers.

You only just realise you have lost your sunnies, you left them in Greece 2 summers ago. I'm not sure I've ever owned a pair of sunglasses. No wait I did! I bought them for a ski trip and left them somewhere in the Alps.

You like English cuisine. I mean, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast. Mmm bacon...

You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat... this year. Second coat is scarily accurate. I don't bother with umbrellas though. (My hairwax waterproofs my 'do, if you were wondering.)

You've bought a disposable baby BBQ from Tesco. Lol yes!

A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head. Brighton...

You always call soccer football and you have a team and it's not Manchester United. Most definitely on every count. Only foreigners support United (and British plebs but we don't like them.)

You don't think twice about buying a packaged sandwich. Why not?

A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear. I don't need the sun for an excuse baby!

You've accepted queuing as a way of life. No, I carry a machine gun.

You believe that every American is a fatass addicted to hamburgers and hotdogs. THEY ARE!

You despise the French (but then, who doesn't?). I try not to be narrow minded about it, but every French person I've ever met has - without exception - been a complete pillock.

You're a Londoner when...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know which one. Other 'cities' are mere imitations. And poor ones at that.

You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton. I used to work at MT actually.

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map. Is that in Exeter?

Hookers and the homeless are invisible. Get out of my way!

You step over people who collapse on the tube. See above.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. I also know a few footballing terms in Spanish. Aren't you proud?

You've considered stabbing someone. All the time.

Your door has more than three locks. We have scousers living across the road :

Your favourite movie has Hugh Grant in it. I don't think he was in Dude Wheres My Car. But I do like About A Boy, though I suppose that's because I like the book.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. More often than not, it is.

You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden. Well lets see how big a garden you can get in London, you snotty bastard.

You know where Karl Marx is buried. Highgate, if I'm not mistaken.

You consider Essex the "countryside". Well what do you call it? Other than Chav spawning ground.

You think Hyde Park is "nature." Well... it is... sort of...

You're paying ?1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain." Depends on the location.

Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia. They're too fucking big!

You've been to Tooting twice and got hopelessly lost both times. I have no idea where Tooting is. I've heard of it though.

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent. Probably.

You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid. I don't even look at stars. What's the point?

You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt. That's quite true of my boots actually. Although in my defence I only acquired a taste for them on the 14 Peaks Challenge.

You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you. I wasn't alive. And silence would be strange.

You pay ?3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p. Well... they've got to make their money. They have to pay for the premisis etc.

You actually take fashion seriously. No I live in my jeans thanks.

Being truly alone makes you nervous. True.

You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. True.

The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you. I drove to Cornwall once. (Yes! He's actually been out of London!)

You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. Definitely true.

You haven't cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey. Not even then mate.

Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes. Always a bonus.

?50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. Yes I've noticed that. Bit of a bastard.

You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories. Mostly because it's the only way to get home when you're blind drunk and motion sickness sets in.

You don't hear sirens anymore. True.

You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs. I don't think I've ever even thought of that.

You live in a building with a larger population than most towns. No I live in a house.

Your cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsagent is Indian and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian. Wtf is a falafel?

You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married. I wouldn't want to marry if it meant leaving London.

You say 'mate' constantly. Me? Never.

Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'. Yeah that's you, Ania.

Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'. And that's you, Sly.

You have no idea where the North is. -points- that sort of direction.

You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it. I've never seen them there actually and I used to go there a fair bit.

The countryside makes you nervous. It smells of shit.

Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker. What possible reason could they have to speak to me?

You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day". I haven't known the weather to vary across London, but I do tend to say "I drove through E8," or "He lives in N1," etc.

Ethan's Aliases

Your movie star name: Watermelon Robert

Your fashion designer name is Ethan Berlin

Your socialite name is Spazmo Prague

Your fly girl / guy name is E De

Your detective name is Tiger Latymer

Your barfly name is Sugar Snaps Margherita

Your soap opera name is Damien Stean

Your rock star name is Chocolate Speedy Gonzales

Your star wars name is Ethpip De sly

Your punk rock band name is The Tired African Tribal Vase

The Amazing Meganame Generator

2005-07-25T09:03:00.000Z

SHITTEST BLOG ENTRY EVER.

Today was really great.

I got out of bed At midday, forced out of bed by the maternal parent

I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so sad. My kitten got run over this afternoon. I found him when I was coming home from school. His head was all squished. I took some photos. I'll miss him. Poor kitty.

Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.
I want to tell the world that I love you all! You're all so special to me!

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's some photos of my cock.

I want to say thanks to simon and Abbey and Dave and the other Simon for helping me on Saturday. You guys are the best. By the way, if you happen to find my wallet, keys or underwear, could you SMS me? Adrian has my number.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, which makes me different enough to be interesting, but the same as all the other cool people with bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

I made this blog using the semi-automatic blog writer at rum and monkey.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

Created with the Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!
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2005-07-22T08:39:00.000Z

Ethan on fanfic.

After a helpful prod in the right direction, I am once again updating my blog. Blogs are quite time consuming. I had the thought of taking a leaf out of Slythergenic's book and drawing some art to make witty (?) comments about, but when I opened Paint, I remembered I have the artistic ability of a rhinocerous on hallucinogens (much like Slythergenic, I'm sure she'll agree). Anyway, determined not to fade away and die in loneliness (although it would be better than dying in Hackney) I have been working on my fanfic.

For those that haven't read it (or what so far exists of it) the link is available to your right (Ethan dons his air steward costume and points out your nearest exits, the location of oxygen masks and lifejackets, and demonstrates how to properly inflate your lifejacket. Ladies and drag queens aboard the aircraft ought to observe that no high heels are permitted on the inflatable emergency slides. Thank you for your attention, I now reschedule you back to your in-flight entertainment.)

I've hit a snag in my fic in that IT HAS NO PLOT. Now, in terms of writing, this is incredibly fun, but in terms of reading, it can make the story drowsy, nauseous and prone to mood swings. It should definitely not operate machinery. In an attempt to make the (intentional) badfic more... well... bad (worse, Ethan, worse!) I began drafting out ideas of what could happen and I ended up with a fantastic story involving peril, danger, excitement, dejection, tears, fears, joy, herpes and a whole host of sexually transmitted diseases. However, with its brilliant plot, believable characters and my invariably excellent writing style, this story was fucking awesome, so it completely missed the point of the exercise. After burning the plan for that story, I went out and bought a new laptop, cursing at myself for not merely deleting the last idea. After a fun trip down to Comet, I restarted my planning. However, I kept coming up with fantastic ideas. So, in order to understand my objective more readily, I went out and got some research on fanfics. The following data and analysis was gleaned from research done by Professor Juergen von Schlubenheimer, the mad scientist with a German accent at Ethanland University.

Fan fiction, a phenomenon best known for its vomit-inducing qualities, has been around for many millions of years. It is said crapfic (a term we shall later define) wiped out the dinosaurs. So terrible is the influence of some fan fiction that it created all the nasty creepy crawlies that you don't like, as can be verified by ancient sources such as The Old Testament, the Koran and Patrick Moore. Insects and biting things were once wiped out by the great floods (Noah swotted the remaining pairs of mosquitos etc) but a resurgence of terrible fanfics swept the lands soon after the flood, reviving all things icky, scary and left wing.

Fan fiction has evolved to follow and destroy all cult books, films, TV programmes etc (e.g. Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and the Simpsons), as well as less iconic variants of similar nature (e.g. The Chronicles of Narnia, The Kevin and Perry Go Large and Futurama.) The blanket term for fanfics dedicated to less popular media is 'terrible'. These 'terrible fics' are available in abundance but due to their small sphere on influence, they only inflict substantial damage on a small, insignificant proportion of the world's population (less those who don't have access to a computer).

Concentrating on the more popular templates, a variety of fanfic is available. Most is classified as 'crapfic', which is a term that encompasses fics with too much (read: 'any') romance, bad SPaG, no plot and generally no reason to exist, other than the author (read: 'escaped mental patient') wanting to inflict pain on the unsuspecting reader. Crapfics can be split into problem-specific genres, such as KaNtspeL-crapfic, caanyType-crapfic, Pointless-crapfic and, especially in the Potterverse, MarySue-/GaryStu-crapfic. The latter terms relate to original characters (OCs) that make you want to bang your head on the table until you bleed enough to end your trauma (given that this is not the aim of the author, although in some cases - see 'badfic' - this is the intended reaction.) MSs and GSs are usually characters that are far too perfect (or have faults that aren't really faults, such as being 'too pretty') to the point where they are not believable; they influence characters around them, making them behave out of character (OOC) and bend the rules of the fandom in which they are placed, to the point where they barely even fit into the settings into which they are injected (e.g. a first year at Hogwarts who already knows NEWT-level magic).

At a glance, the terms 'crapfic' and 'badfic' seem synonymous, but more often than not, they are in fact opposites. Badfic, where the author deliberately writes a (seemingly) rubbish story is usually satirical and more often than not makes a parody of crapfic. The line between badfic and crapfic can occasionally blur where a crapfic is so bad that it is laughable, or a badfic is so poorly written that it becomes a variant of crapfic in itself. In both cases, the authors have unintentionally missed their objectives, which is why it is so important for me to identify mine before commencing with chapter two of 'Harry Potter and the Teflon-Coated Frying Pan.

Sometimes badfic is so supremely well-written and laugh-a-minute, that it becomes 'shitfic'. This has double meaning in its prefix. 'Shit', meaning excrement, generally indicates that the fic is 'bad', which in this case, it is intentionally so. 'Shit' can also mean good, especially in 'gangster', 'hip' and 'cool' lingo. 'Shit' in the case of shitfic, also means that the fic is THE shit, i.e. brilliant, excellent, thoroughly enjoyable etc. This is what I strive to achieve.

Before I move onto a diagrammatical representation of my objectives, it is necessary to cover another rare, but significant, branch of fanfic. This is called 'goodfic'. As previously mentioned, it is rare, since most fanfic authors consider themselves good enough to be let out of their cages without a lead. But amidst the mountains and lakes of crapfic available, the occasional goodfic struggles for survival in the shadows and eventually blossoms once it properly takes root. Goodfic, when split into denomenations, is usually given the prefix 'GoodBut[problem]-goodfic', e.g. GoodButTooLong-goodfic, GoodButSpellingErrors-goodfic.

Unfortunately, all of the above terms are highly subjective, and so great literary minds such as myself tend to place most fics in 'crapfic' category (fig. 2), whilst other readers leave the same stories reviews to the tone of "OMG!!!1 that was ssOOooooooOO good! Wen r u writing more cos I wana c it!! I can't believe [character] did that!1! omfg i dieeeed!". People of average intelligence and life-worthiness could plot fics on the following scatter diagram:

I have named only two good authors (that I don't personally know) on this diagram (fig. 1) merely because they are probably the most famous in Potterverse. Cassandra Claire, known for her Draco trilogy, writes succinctly and comes up with great plots, but I haven't placed her too highly on the 'good' axis because her jokes are unoriginal (as verified by the references at the end of the chapter - if you want humour from her you might as well go watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and be done) and because, even though she tries to justify it, Draco is v. v. OOC. She also gets away with a lot of typos, seemingly because FictionAlley mods are so keen to read the next chapter they don't care about spelling etc to the extent to which they do with other users. Rhysenn is another good author, but again, not brilliant because she loves the use of love potions, which cause characters to behave OOC, and she's a slasher, which places her firmly in the 'non-sensical' half of the diagram (JKR has not given any indication that Harry loves Draco, get over it). Rhysenn scores more highly on the 'good' stakes because OOC behaviour is better justified and her humour is more often than not, original (or non-traceable). Both lost a lot of points on the good-bad axis for excessive use of romance. Generally, goodfic finds itself on FictionAlley, because of stringent (ahem, normally stringent) guidelines imposed by the FictionAlley mods - a dazzling exception to this rule is Rae Carson, on fanfiction.net (see Further Reading). Rae writes believable, intriguing fics with characters that are truly IN character. I thoroughly recommend her to anyone who enjoys a good story.(No money was involved in this recommendation. Only sex.)

Figure 1 shows many unlabelled black dots. This is because I wouldn't remember the names of authors of crapfics, because once they reveal themselves to be crapfic, I close the browser page, douse myself in holy water and sacrifice a goat to Allah in hopes of forgiveness. So, for illustrative purposes only, the goodfic:crapfic ratio is depicted, without direct reference to crapfic authors. However, being the cynic that I am, I fear the ratio is much, much worse, only I couldn't fit more dots in the diagram without it looking (even more) stupid.

While we are reminded of my cynical outlook, let us see the same axes, weighted for a mind like mine:

As you can see, these axes accommodate my opinions on fanfic in that there is a lot of crapfic out there, only a little bit of goodfic, and there is little difference between the goodfic anyway. You will notice there is no shading in the area labelled 'good'. This is because I intend to focus on badfic vs crapfic, as well as highlighting the intended goal of 'shitfic'. The brown area, that dominates most of the scale not only the less good portion of the diagram, but the whole diagram itself, depicts crapfic. Crapfics' most frequent downfall is its mediocrity; by being neither wildly unbelievable, nor justified, it falls into the middle zone on the x-axis and all across the lower portion of the y-axis (for if it were above, it would be goodfic).

Badfic is depicted by the red zones on the diagram. As you can see, badfic tends to be wildly unbelievable and rarely strays very far up the y-axis (remember that if a badfic is well-written and enjoyable, it becomes a shitfic, not a goodfic, thus will not venture up the y-axis). Shitfic is near impossible to plot on this scale, due to its conflicting attributes. For example, a shitfic will have excellent spelling and grammar, but will depict everyone as wildly out of character. Placing it midway between good and bad puts it firmly in mediocrity, which is clearly not where it belongs. For the sake of depiction, I've attempted to plot shitfics on the scale, in blue, for they are not like normal badfics, but an extension of them nonetheless. Note how some of the shitfics fly down the x axis and find themselves in the area of 'makes sense'. This is because the story sometimes redeems itself; something that seemed strange and abstract throughout the story will suddenly become apparent through clever trickery on the part of the author. This is a credit to shitfics - they can really be excellent and surprise you like that. Thus, these shitfics migrate from chaos to tranquility, a storm in a teacup to dew on grass.

Thus, I conclude that the best type of fic for my purpose is the migratory shitfic and this is what I shall strive to achieve.

Further reading/references:

Goodfic: Rae Carson http://www.fanfiction.net/u/623888/ http://www.fictionalley.org
Crapfic: http://www.fanfiction.net http://www.sugarquill.net
Badfic: See button below
Shitfic: http://www.geocities.com/rampantheathen also see button below

2005-07-17T06:55:00.000Z

Major Spoiler Post!

I have read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince! And I did it all by myself, aren't you proud?

As I read, I was nerdy enough to take a few rough notes of my thoughts on events of particular interest, but before I go into those, I want to give a brief overview of what I thought of the book. Generally, I don't think it was nearly as good as any of the other books. For me, this was a sign that JK Rowling has been put under too much pressure to write quickly. It seems that this book is about 60% backstory, 20% lovestory (also known as 'fan fic') and 20% good stuff. Now, whilst I commend JKR on producing the goods for the last part, I was disappointed about the backstory - I feel that if she had taken more time writing the earlier books, much of this could've been added to earlier plots in time for events in the seventh book to make sense. I also feel that if she had taken more time to write the books, suicide rates among children would be higher. Anyway, I just feel that the quality of JKR's writing has gone down. What happened to the conciseness of the first two books? She seems to be a little caught up in conspiracy theories and over-complex plots. Tell the damn story, woman!

Speaking of her new meandering writing style, I was dismayed by the inclusion of romance. I think JKR has spent too much time reading fan fiction and caving to her readers' wishes - the Hermione/Ron/Lavender love triangle was completely unnecessary and out of sync with the rest of the series - or the first four books at least. I feel that since the movies have come out and Harry Potter's success become phenomenal JKR has allowed too much outside influence to penetrate and influence her work. Call me Tory, but BACK TO BASICS!

Here are the things I regarded as note-worthy:

I see that Harry was much less CAPSLOCKY in this instalment. This is a move in the right direction as CAPSLOCKY!Harry would've ended up with my fist in his face. I found only two instances of CAPSLOCKY behaviour, on pages 231 and 512.
On page 352, Ron is described as having his mouth half open. How can your mouth be half open?
Britishisms. Perhaps these were changed for American versions of the book, but I noticed a lot of 'snogging' mentioned, a word which I know is not commonly known in the US or generally outside Britain. Similarly, on page 364 the word 'trainers' is used, in reference to sports shoes. To Americans, trainers are 'sneakers' and I can only wonder if this was changed in the US version. I imagine so, because God forbid America should have any outside influence.
Page 377 - Hagrid's dolphin-sized footprints. I'm going to assume she means dolphin shaped here, for Hagrid is about ten feet tall maximum and dolphin sized feet would leave him hugely out of proportion - those of you with your minds in the gutter may realise this implies Hagrid has a third leg.
Blatent overuse of words. Now, I didn't take specific notes on these, because it is only apon completion and reflection that you realise how overused they are. Words I noticed were used too much were these and their variants: mutiny, serenely and careworn.
Page 309 - Lovers' Lurgy. Nice to see this reference to Primary school customs. In Hackney at least, the Lurgies were the equivalent of 'cooties' or 'veinies' or whatever you wanted to call them. They were (and I still consider them to be) a sufficient excuse not to talk to or otherwise associate with the opposite sex.
Grammar. I am a grammar whore. Grammar is my pimp daddy. I cringe and vomit and display other signs of disgust when I see published authors making schoolboy errors. For example, take page 604 where Harry says "I've got nothing to tell you." I've got. Why the double possessives? "I have nothing to tell you," is sufficient. Also, page 38, Narcissa says "...Lucius's mistake," which is in fact JKR's mistake. The apostrophe already indicates possession, so there is no need for the additional S, because the word ends with S.

The following two points are perhaps most important of all:

Page 526. Harry lists all the scary things that could be lurking in the water. "His thoughts were of water-monsters, of giant serpants, of demons, kelpies and sprites..." Here, JKR displays her ignorance of the power of kippers. They are a force to be reckoned with, Ms Rowling.
I must commend JKR however, for mentioning kippers not once, but TWICE in Half Blood Prince. They are on pages 206 and 596.

I also think, that although Snape killed Dumbledore, he is still on the good side. I think what the two of them had argued about, which Hagrid overheard, was that Dumbledore wanted Snape to do whatever it took to hide his allegiance to the Order - even if it meant killing Dumbledore himself. That is what Snape was yelling "NO WAY JOSE!" about (I may be paraphrasing slightly there). When Dumbledore seemed to plead with Snape just before his death, he was pleading with Snape to kill him. Snape complied and therefore is still good.

As for Draco Malfoy, I was pleased to see he grew a spine and finally smashed Harry's face in. Some may argue that he was weak-willed for not killing Dumbledore himself, but give the guy a break! He's only sixteen in HBP and there is a great difference between being able to beat up your school enemy (or maybe Harry's more than that really, having put his father in prison, but I digress...) and killing your headmaster. I reckon Dumbledore's last words struck a chord with him - over the course of the last book he will realise that joining Voldemort isn't the only way for him and that if he stays faithful to the Dark Lord he will forever live in fear (or Azkaban). I think he'll switch right at the last moment, but he will be too proud to ask for Harry's help. He may help Harry in a very secret way.

And that is enough for now. My fangirls are screaming at me.

Ethan politely returns Slythergenic's knickers. Sorry, they're not my size.

2005-07-15T09:45:00.000Z

It has recently come to my attention that some people have blogs. Not one to be left behind, I created one in haste and so here you have it. My blog.

Only now does it occur to me that I have nothing to say here. So really, reading this has been a complete and utter waste of your time.

Here is something better to read:

Woman grows a penis.

And I didn't even make it up.

Actually, the real reason I have this blog at all is because I merely wanted to comment on someone else's blog, but NO! Can't leave a comment without logging in, can we? SOMEONE made their settings so that I had to have a blogger account! HMMMM. The snobby, elitist protocol of blogging aside, I thought I might as well make use of this webspace I brought into the world, so here it is.

This is the beginnings of something boring beyond all imagination. I can feel it in my bones.