I've been on blogthings.com and they had a whole section devoted to "You know you're x when you y". So, I thought I'd c&p some of the applicable lists here.


You know you're British when...

You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable. But of course!

You're always a half an hour late to work ... no-one notices or cares. More true than it ought to be.

Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week. True again.

You can actually give directions to some of those annoying tourists in Oxford Street! True but I avoid Oxford Street like the Plague.

You step over a drunk in the tube station rather than offering to help them. Well God knows what they've got.

You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast. I don't even bother opening the curtains anymore.

You consider a suit to be normal attire for the pub. Yes. Are you suggesting it isn't?

You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes. Again... are you suggesting to the contrary? Could you imagine me with messy hair? ME?

You dissolve in laughter when listening to the funny accent of the Aussie international telephone operator (or on TV!). Aussies are hilarious.

You think ?40 for a haircut is quite reasonable. Forty dollars yes, forty pounds no. Maybe for women's haircuts.

You can't remember what 'customer service' means. It means a spotty teenager gurgling down the reciever at you.

After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house. Or a kebabish.

More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive. I quite quickly tire of bright sunlight.

You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser. Well, as a waiter, I sympathise.

You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'. Yeah, cheers.

You only just realise you have lost your sunnies, you left them in Greece 2 summers ago. I'm not sure I've ever owned a pair of sunglasses. No wait I did! I bought them for a ski trip and left them somewhere in the Alps.

You like English cuisine. I mean, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast. Mmm bacon...

You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat... this year. Second coat is scarily accurate. I don't bother with umbrellas though. (My hairwax waterproofs my 'do, if you were wondering.)

You've bought a disposable baby BBQ from Tesco. Lol yes!

A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head. Brighton...

You always call soccer football and you have a team and it's not Manchester United. Most definitely on every count. Only foreigners support United (and British plebs but we don't like them.)

You don't think twice about buying a packaged sandwich. Why not?

A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear. I don't need the sun for an excuse baby!

You've accepted queuing as a way of life. No, I carry a machine gun.

You believe that every American is a fatass addicted to hamburgers and hotdogs. THEY ARE!

You despise the French (but then, who doesn't?). I try not to be narrow minded about it, but every French person I've ever met has - without exception - been a complete pillock.



You're a Londoner when...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know which one. Other 'cities' are mere imitations. And poor ones at that.

You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton. I used to work at MT actually.

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map. Is that in Exeter?

Hookers and the homeless are invisible. Get out of my way!

You step over people who collapse on the tube. See above.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. I also know a few footballing terms in Spanish. Aren't you proud?

You've considered stabbing someone. All the time.

Your door has more than three locks. We have scousers living across the road :

Your favourite movie has Hugh Grant in it. I don't think he was in Dude Wheres My Car. But I do like About A Boy, though I suppose that's because I like the book.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. More often than not, it is.

You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden. Well lets see how big a garden you can get in London, you snotty bastard.

You know where Karl Marx is buried. Highgate, if I'm not mistaken.

You consider Essex the "countryside". Well what do you call it? Other than Chav spawning ground.

You think Hyde Park is "nature." Well... it is... sort of...

You're paying ?1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain." Depends on the location.

Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia. They're too fucking big!

You've been to Tooting twice and got hopelessly lost both times. I have no idea where Tooting is. I've heard of it though.

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent. Probably.

You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid. I don't even look at stars. What's the point?

You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt. That's quite true of my boots actually. Although in my defence I only acquired a taste for them on the 14 Peaks Challenge.

You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you. I wasn't alive. And silence would be strange.

You pay ?3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p. Well... they've got to make their money. They have to pay for the premisis etc.

You actually take fashion seriously. No I live in my jeans thanks.

Being truly alone makes you nervous. True.

You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. True.

The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you. I drove to Cornwall once. (Yes! He's actually been out of London!)

You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. Definitely true.

You haven't cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey. Not even then mate.

Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes. Always a bonus.

?50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. Yes I've noticed that. Bit of a bastard.

You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories. Mostly because it's the only way to get home when you're blind drunk and motion sickness sets in.

You don't hear sirens anymore. True.

You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs. I don't think I've ever even thought of that.

You live in a building with a larger population than most towns. No I live in a house.

Your cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsagent is Indian and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian. Wtf is a falafel?

You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married. I wouldn't want to marry if it meant leaving London.

You say 'mate' constantly. Me? Never.

Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'. Yeah that's you, Ania.

Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'. And that's you, Sly.

You have no idea where the North is. -points- that sort of direction.

You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it. I've never seen them there actually and I used to go there a fair bit.

The countryside makes you nervous. It smells of shit.

Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker. What possible reason could they have to speak to me?

You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day". I haven't known the weather to vary across London, but I do tend to say "I drove through E8," or "He lives in N1," etc.

Ethan's Aliases

Your movie star name: Watermelon Robert

Your fashion designer name is Ethan Berlin

Your socialite name is Spazmo Prague

Your fly girl / guy name is E De

Your detective name is Tiger Latymer

Your barfly name is Sugar Snaps Margherita

Your soap opera name is Damien Stean

Your rock star name is Chocolate Speedy Gonzales

Your star wars name is Ethpip De sly

Your punk rock band name is The Tired African Tribal Vase

The Amazing Meganame Generator