Rewriting the Wiki for Hackney

Unlike most English districts, its council is led by a directly-elected mayor. (Jules Pipe, whose name has recently been immortalised as rhyming slang.)

The borough is known for being one of the poorest and crime-affected London boroughs. (It's a shithole.)

Despite this perception it is a place of considerable contrasts. (One minute you're alive, next you're bleeding in a gutter with a tramp pissing on your face as you slowly die.)

Also in the south west is Hoxton and Shoreditch which are central to the London arts scene and home to numerous clubs, bars, shops and restaurants, much of which is centered on Hoxton Square. (Don't bend over in Hoxton if you value your sphincter.)

The development of Shoreditch and Hoxton caused land value to increase in the area such that developers looked to other parts of the borough for development. (Pickings got slim.)

Much of Hackney is inner-city in character and in places like Dalston large housing estates now sit side-by-side with gated communities. (If you have money, lock yourself away.)

The main commercial and retail centre of Hackney is known as Hackney Central to distinguish it from the rest of the borough. (This name also reflects its similarity to twin-town South Central in L.A., which shares its history of gang-related violence and gun culture.)

To the north of the borough is Clapton, Stamford Hill and Stoke Newington. (Each only known for shootings, Jews and stabbings respectively.)

The population is ethnically diverse. (What's red on the outside and black on the inside? A bus through Hackney.)

32% of householders are owner–occupiers. (Evidently excluding the social housing, which makes up about 75% of dwellings in Hackney.)

Hackney is currently the only inner London borough north of the Thames that has no London Underground stations other than those on its borders with other boroughs. (Hackney is so rough that not even the tube dares run through it.)

Transport for London is extending the East London Line northwards through the borough reusing some of the abandoned line between Dalston Junction and Broad Street with stations at Shoreditch High Street, Hoxton, Haggerston and Dalston Junction. (So that the yuppies who have to keep themselves locked in have a quicker means of escape in the mornings.)

When complete, the line will be handed over to Network Rail who will run services from Hackney to South London. (When complete, the line will be abandoned once more, proudly symbolising Hackney Council's love of wasting money.)

Hackney Griffens Rugby Football Club play at Springhill Park, near the Lea Bridge Canal. The ground is one of the oldest rugby pitches in the country, hosting sides since 1879. (Never mind all the footballing greats spurned from Hackney Marshes. The Marshes are now less famous for football and more for stabbings and is a favourite dumping ground for serial killers.)

Planning is underway for a new club house at Springhill Park, which will incorporate a range of excellent facilities. (The chickens will no longer have to deal with the Griffens' club meetings in their shed. A strike for feathered miscreants everywhere.)