Sly, animals and other filthy things

I'd like to start today's blog with a quote from Sly:

Demon? Isnt your middle name Damien? Hahaha *points at you and laughs*. Is that why you hide away on the net, so people cannnot see the 666 imprinted across thine forehead? Lol @ children trauma.

~Slythergenic

The odd thing is, I don't remember telling Sly my middle name, thus one can only conclude that she is in love with me to the unhealthy level of stalking me. The first step to recovery is stopping the googling, Sly.

Today, I discovered the true extent to which animals are inferior to humans. Having said this though, humans are animals too - and fairly stupid ones too - so I reckon we should just observe that all mammals are stupid. Vive la fish.

Anyway, we have five dogs (the more observant of you might notice there are more dogs than people in my house, in which case I throw a dog snack at you and applaud you for your athletic leap into the air to retrieve it. Good puppy.) and more often than not, if you feed them all together, they'll start fighting over food. Dogs are stupid to the extent that they can't make the simple deduction that five bowls of food = one bowl each. To get around this problem, I tend to feed two of the dogs in my room, one in the hall, one in the kitchen and one in the dining room. Today, it was getting to about eight in the evening, when I realised that, as I sat down to devour my dinner of chicken and vegetables, the dogs were eyeing my food hungriliy - they hadn't been fed yet. So I, with my conscience the size of the Grand Canyon, I put my meal on my desk in my room and went back downstairs to prep their food and feed them.

So, as normal, I put two of the dogs' bowls in my room and left them in there, set down another bowl of food in the hall for #3, fed another in the kitchen and the last in the dining room. When the dogs downstairs were done, I washed their bowls, left some biscuits out and put out some fresh water. Then I went back upstairs to get the first two dogs out of my room. Imagine my surprise when I enter my room to find my dinner gone, and a bowl of dogfood left near my desk to replace my meal.

:c| <-- that's me not looking impressed.

As if that weren't enough, I didn't think the dog food looked particularly appetising, so I scooped my pet rat, Ron, off his shelf and began filling his bowl with dog food (rats live in sewers, they're not fussy eaters). At this point, the dogs seemed to get a bit defensive about their food and proptly ate it out of Ron's bowl. Where is the logic?? Well, both Ron and I settled for our staple diet - Coco Pops.

Other filthy things:

• My mind
  
• Sly's mind
  
• Most people's minds
  
• Darren's flat
  
• All of Darren's exes
  
• ... Darren
  
• The underside of my car
  
• My really old but v comfortable Nikes that I love to death
  
• Everyone Sly fancies other than me
  
• Hippies
  
• My neighbours who happen to be French but that's not why I'm calling them filthy, honest.
  
• Paedophiles
  
• Mike. Oh wait, I already said 'paedohiles'.

For Andreea's benefit, I'm adding a filthy joke, cos I'd rather she be happy than have to deal with her hissy fit.

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively.

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a tonsil."