Deathly Hallows: Nineteen Years Later

I haven't posted here for ages. No apologies, I just didn't want to.

Anyway, having read the final Harry Potter book, and been as disappointed by it as any man of good taste might have been, I decided that the fluffy, poorly-written epilogue simply wasn't good enough.

To rectify this terrible shortcoming, I hereby proclaim what happened to all the characters, trying to remain canon-compliant as far as possible.


McGonagall: Transfigured herself into a pretty young witch and snagged an ex-pupil.
Draco: Married a random pretty young witch he met. Produced ugly child named Scorpius.
Molly Weasley: Exploded from general fatness. Left a widower.
Mr Weasley: Set up a wizarding pimping scheme. Died of VD.
Ginny: One of Mr Weasley's bitches. None of those kids are Potter's.
Harry: Thinks he's a proud parent.
Ron: Tripped down the stairs, landed backward and managed to accidentally bite his reproductive organs off.
Hermione: Thankful that she needn't bear anymore wizarding brats.
Neville: Killed Nagini and was so surprised he dropped the sword, piercing his heart. Debate continues over whether the sword killed him, or if he died from the shock of doing something useful first.
Goyle: Inadvertently became a Horcrux of Crabbe's.
Crabbe: Made an excellent baddie in the spinoff series 'Albus Severus Potter and ...'
Voldemort: Remained in Kings Cross station and killed Neo when The Matrix came out.
Lucius Malfoy: Sent diseased prostitutes to kill off Mr Weasley's rival pimp Gang.
Narcissa Malfoy: Came to regret going through so much trouble to save Draco when she finally learned what a snotty little bastard he is.
Andromeda Tonks: Attempted to drown Teddy several times.
Teddy Lupin: Just wouldn't die.
Victoire: Could never think of a polite way to tell Teddy to f*ck off. Eventually gave birth to several fluffy brats, the last of which mauled her to death. (Not at a full moon, but just for fun.)
Cho Chang: Never recovered from Cedric's death. Commited suicide. Birmingham mourned its one claim to fame for several years afterward, and holds an annual parade in her honour, which is poorly attended.
Luna: Was clawed to near-death by Nargles, but no one believed her. Died of her wounds in St Mungo's.
George: Died. Or was that Fred. Who cares. In any case, the one who survived managed to kill himself in a moment of idiocy, decades after his twin's death.
Fred: See George.
Assorted other Weasleys: Came down with VD. Suspected that they caught it from Mr Weasley.
Rest of the Wizarding World: Were glad the Weasley family tree was finally pruned.

SPOILER:
Albus Severus Potter: Kills himself in the sixth book after being bullied for being named Albus Severus.
Crabbe: Is victorious.

More suggestions welcome!