This is a low

In addition to a Blur song, this is actually a low. I think people don't even realise they're on the way down until they do something utterly stupid and then cannot justify their actions in any way possible. Luckily, for me it wasn't anything that caused anyone else great damage, it was merely the act of throwing my phone down three flights of stairs, simply because it made the tell-tale beep that said I have voicemail and I simply couldn't bear to check it. In fact, just a moment ago the landline rang and I could feel my pulse rising and my breath quickening with anger. Your social life shouldn't stress you like this. I had a bath and it lasted the best part of four hours because I was so thoroughly depressed with everything around me that I couldn't see the point in mustering the energy to wash my hair or soap myself. In the end, having been in the tub for that long, I came out wrinkled as a prune but dirty as the moment I got in.

Basically, my problem is that I don't have the attention span for anything. Granted, I've been blowing off my adhd medication, but that's because it made me a lot of things I'm not. Now I find that people are calling me and keeping me on the phone when I don't want them to, getting me to go out when I don't want to stay out for hours etc. I find myself a slave to other people and I can't stand it. The thought of university is beginning to frighten me because I have to socialise with new people and they invariably demand my attention for more than five minutes apiece. I wish meeting people at freshers was like speed dating. "Hi, I'm Ethan. I play football. Oh, you do too? Great, let's go for a kickabout tomorrow." DING! "Hi, I'm Ethan. You're cute - why don't you give me your phone number? Awesome, I'll call you sometime." DING!

Alas, life doesn't work like that. So for now, I'm merely going on a hiatus. Just getting away from everyone and everything. Maybe read a (short) book. Perhaps it's time to stop trying to please everyone. I know a few friends who act as if the world will end if I don't go clubbing. It won't. It still spins on its axis. It still revolves around the sun.

The plan is I don't go out. I don't answer my phone. I don't chat on the net. I basically don't do anything social. I don't blame anyone but myself; I know it's my own shortcoming that I can't put up with things, but that's me and I'm going to have to embrace it if I'm to handle it. I also spread myself too thinly. I do half my mum's work. I'll hang around at Angie's just to keep her company, even if I don't feel up to it. Lots of tiny, probably unnecessary things build up and it's just got to that point where I'm putting my foot down and doing nothing. I'm going to enjoy the silence for a while.

And buy myself a new phone.