Harry Potter Jokes

This is why I shouldn't be allowed access to a phone. It got to 1am and I decided I was bored so I called a friend, and between us, we composed a list of over 100 Harry Potter jokes.

God shall damn me to hell.

1. What do you find in Dumbledore's Hat?
Dumbledore's Head

2. What is Harry Potter's favourite film?
Scarface

3. How does Harry Potter change a lightbulb?
He holds the bulb up and expects the world to revolve around him

4. How many Death Eaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None! The dark shall triumph!

5. How many Hufflepuffs does it take to change a bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to lament being a Hufflepuff.

6. How many Gryffindors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. Harry to take the old bulb out, Ron to put a new bulb in, Hermione to liberate the lightbulb and Neville to replace the liberated bulb.

7. What do you call someone who dabbles in the Dark Arts?
A Death Nibbler.

8. What is the Order of the Phoenix?
A double cheese burger and fries, please.

9. What is the alternative name of the Goblet of Fire?
A flaming margherita.

10. How many Ravenclaws does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The claw is not the most suitable part of a raven to change a bulb with.

11. Why shouldn't you trust Professor Quirrell?
He's two-faced.

12. Who funds St Mungo's?
The National 'Elf Service.

13. Which house generates electricity for Hogwarts?
Ravenclaw. Knowledge is power.

14. Why did Harry's godfather never tell jokes?
Because he was Sirius.

15. How do you make a broomstick?
With Spell-o-tape.

16. Which character makes honey?
Bumbledore.

17. Why don't they play football in the Forbidden Forest?
They only have Centaur forwards

18. Why didn't Hermione have any friends?
She was a Gryffinbore.

19. Did you hear about Remus Lupin?
He used to be a werewolf, but he's alright nowwwwww!

20. Who wheels around Hogwarts, throwing things at people?
Reeves the Poltergeist.

21. Who drifts through walls & messes up the carpets?
The Muddy Baron.

22. What does Marcus Flint do when he comes back drunk at 3am?
Slyther-in.

23. What do Hogwarts students do when running cross country?
Huff n puff.

24. What sits at the bottom of the lake and does as its told?
The pliant squid.

25. Why was the Gringotts worker banned from the staff canteen?
For Goblin'.

26. Who smirks more than Malfoy?
Cedric Sniggery.

27. Why could the founder of Gryffindor eat so much?
Godric's Hollow.

28. What does the breath of Slytherin's Monster smell like?
Basil licks.

29. Why does Tom Riddle have such fresh breath?
He's a Parsleymouth.

30. Who sits in the U-Bend and has a huge call bill?
Phoning Myrtle.

31. What's green, lives in the toilets and got into Hermione's Polyjuice?
Cloning Turtle.

32. What's green and makes you disappear?
The Invisibility Croak.

33. What has eight legs, sixty four wheels and will kill you?
Aragog on rollerskates.

34. What wizarding school do you find in the marshes?
Bogwarts.

35. Which rodent is missing a finger and is needlessly fussy?
Peter Petty-shrew.

36. Who does Peter Petty-Shrew serve?
Lord Vole-demort.

37. What did Sirius see when his broom went missing?
Remus Lupin (Looping... on the broom.. I apologise)

38. What should you do if you see 'George Weasley Rulez!' etched into a table?
Put Fred in detention.

39. Which Gryffindor needs specially tailored trousers?
Neville Longbottom.

40. Which Professor brews her own alcohol?
Madam Hooch.

41. Which Healer works in the canteen?
Madame Pommes Frites.

42. Where do you find a petrified Death Eater?
Wherever you left him!

43. Mrs Weasley sends a cauldron of soup zooming to Hogwarts. Unfortunately it collided with the Hufflepuff ghost. What became of the soup?
Out of the flying pan, into the friar.

44. What substance does Snape clearly lack in his store cupboard?
Shampoo.

45. Why does Snape has perfect skin?
He's the lotions master.

46. Who is prone to eavesdropping?
Loose-ears Malfoy.

47. How do you keep a Dark Lord entertained?
With Bella's tricks.

48. What do you get if you blow up the wizard prison?
Azkabam!

49. What do you get if you blow up the wizard prison?
A mass-break out, fool.

50. What do you call a tree wearing really heavy boots?
The stomping willow.

51. Who is the cat burglar of Hogwarts?
Crookshanks.

52. What is SPEW?
An elf-help group.

53. Which teacher loves cheesy pop?
Madam Scooch.

54. Why was Professor Moody so particular about pronunciation?
He believed in consonant vigilance.

55. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting High Inquisitioner.
Interrupting Hi-
HEM HEM!

56. Why doesn't Potter mind being the centre of attention?
Because he lived under the stares.

57. Why was Harry cold on his eleventh birthday?
Cos yer a blizzard, 'arry.

58. What mode of transport makes you ill?
Travelling by flu.

59. What did Draco say the first time he saw McGonagall transfigure?
The cat's out of the bag.

60. What is the Dark Lord's favourite cake?
The Volde-tort.

61. What is the name of the Dark Lord's hideout?
The Volde-fort.

62. Where does the Dark Lord keep his boat?
The Volde-port.

63. What does the Dark Lord call his Pensieve?
The Volde-thought.

64. What does the Dark Lord call his pimple?
The Volde-wart.

65. What does the Dark Lord call his snake?
Nagini! Ha!

66. What is the Volde-fort made out of?
Volde-mortar.

67. What does Luna Lovegood do with her mouthwash?
Nargles for thirty seconds.

68. Which Death Eater cries a lot?
Narcissy Malfoy.

69. How do you keep a Horcrux safe?
You locket.

70. Which magical creature had extensive plastic surgery?
The STRAIGHT horned snorkack.

71. How does the Head of Gryffindor feel when she finds her students misbehaving?
McGonappauled.

72. Professor Trelawney lost her temper with Hermione and cursed her with bad breath.
The super-scowly fragile mystic hexed her halitosis!

73. Which ghost was most prominent in the Battle of Hogwarts?
The School Spirit.

74. Where do you find drunken pigs?
Hogsmeade.

75. Who is a very messy eater?
Viktor Crumb.

76. Who is the most disgusting French woman ever seen at Hogwarts?
Bleugh Delacour.

77. Which Quidditch team broke their brooms with their sheer weight?
The Chubby Cannons.

78. What did Harry say when he drove over an unmarked road hump?
It's the Camber of Secrets!

79. What happened when a fight broke out at the end of the Slytherin-Gryffindor game?
There was a huge ker-quaffle.

80. Who would you find in your cutlery drawer?
Fawkes.

81. Who makes up the history he teaches?
Professor Spinns.

82. What do you write an essay about thirst on?
Parchedment.

83. What do you get if you cross a Hippogryff with a Thestral?
I don't know, but for God's sake, bow!

84. What was Harry's reaction to the third task?
He was a-maze-d.

85. Who fires the fastest wand in the West?
The Draco Kid.

86. Why isn't Theodore a Death Eater?
Because he's Nott.

87. How many knees does Ron have?
Three. A left knee, a right knee and Hermio-knee.

88. Which dragon tastes like a vegetable?
The Swede-ish short snout.

89. Who monitors the Hogwarts Kitchens?
Elf and Safety.

90. Why are Harry's secrets never betrayed?
He always catches the Snitch.

91. Which Professor drinks cheap champagne?
Professor Bubbly-Plonk.

92. Which Minister murdered Dumbledore in the library with a candlestick?
Cluedo Bagman.

93. Why are Firebolts uncomfortable to ride on?
Cos they're bloody hot!

94. Why do Hogwarts students have breakfast in bed?
Because they sleep in four toaster beds.

95. Which house is underground?
The Burrow.

96. What kind of wizard is always wet?
A warloch.

97. Which Slytherin can run really fast?
Marcus Sprint.

98. Why is Draco such a good detective?
Because he always ferrets things out.

99. Which Quidditch team swears a lot?
The Foul-mouthed Falcons.

100. What cheese can you confide in?
The Camembert of Secrets.

101. What baked good features in the first Harry Potter book?
The Philosopher's Scone.

102. Which Gryffindor is always scheming?
Harry Plotter.

103. Who has a runny nose?
Harry Snotter.

104. What insect eats owl treats and delivers letters?
Earwig.

105. Which Gryffindor doesn't believe in team work?
The Lone Granger.


I apologise for everything. Suggestions welcome.