Harry Potter Jokes

This is why I shouldn't be allowed access to a phone. It got to 1am and I decided I was bored so I called a friend, and between us, we composed a list of over 100 Harry Potter jokes.

God shall damn me to hell.

1. What do you find in Dumbledore's Hat?
Dumbledore's Head

2. What is Harry Potter's favourite film?
Scarface

3. How does Harry Potter change a lightbulb?
He holds the bulb up and expects the world to revolve around him

4. How many Death Eaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None! The dark shall triumph!

5. How many Hufflepuffs does it take to change a bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to lament being a Hufflepuff.

6. How many Gryffindors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. Harry to take the old bulb out, Ron to put a new bulb in, Hermione to liberate the lightbulb and Neville to replace the liberated bulb.

7. What do you call someone who dabbles in the Dark Arts?
A Death Nibbler.

8. What is the Order of the Phoenix?
A double cheese burger and fries, please.

9. What is the alternative name of the Goblet of Fire?
A flaming margherita.

10. How many Ravenclaws does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The claw is not the most suitable part of a raven to change a bulb with.

11. Why shouldn't you trust Professor Quirrell?
He's two-faced.

12. Who funds St Mungo's?
The National 'Elf Service.

13. Which house generates electricity for Hogwarts?
Ravenclaw. Knowledge is power.

14. Why did Harry's godfather never tell jokes?
Because he was Sirius.

15. How do you make a broomstick?
With Spell-o-tape.

16. Which character makes honey?
Bumbledore.

17. Why don't they play football in the Forbidden Forest?
They only have Centaur forwards

18. Why didn't Hermione have any friends?
She was a Gryffinbore.

19. Did you hear about Remus Lupin?
He used to be a werewolf, but he's alright nowwwwww!

20. Who wheels around Hogwarts, throwing things at people?
Reeves the Poltergeist.

21. Who drifts through walls & messes up the carpets?
The Muddy Baron.

22. What does Marcus Flint do when he comes back drunk at 3am?
Slyther-in.

23. What do Hogwarts students do when running cross country?
Huff n puff.

24. What sits at the bottom of the lake and does as its told?
The pliant squid.

25. Why was the Gringotts worker banned from the staff canteen?
For Goblin'.

26. Who smirks more than Malfoy?
Cedric Sniggery.

27. Why could the founder of Gryffindor eat so much?
Godric's Hollow.

28. What does the breath of Slytherin's Monster smell like?
Basil licks.

29. Why does Tom Riddle have such fresh breath?
He's a Parsleymouth.

30. Who sits in the U-Bend and has a huge call bill?
Phoning Myrtle.

31. What's green, lives in the toilets and got into Hermione's Polyjuice?
Cloning Turtle.

32. What's green and makes you disappear?
The Invisibility Croak.

33. What has eight legs, sixty four wheels and will kill you?
Aragog on rollerskates.

34. What wizarding school do you find in the marshes?
Bogwarts.

35. Which rodent is missing a finger and is needlessly fussy?
Peter Petty-shrew.

36. Who does Peter Petty-Shrew serve?
Lord Vole-demort.

37. What did Sirius see when his broom went missing?
Remus Lupin (Looping... on the broom.. I apologise)

38. What should you do if you see 'George Weasley Rulez!' etched into a table?
Put Fred in detention.

39. Which Gryffindor needs specially tailored trousers?
Neville Longbottom.

40. Which Professor brews her own alcohol?
Madam Hooch.

41. Which Healer works in the canteen?
Madame Pommes Frites.

42. Where do you find a petrified Death Eater?
Wherever you left him!

43. Mrs Weasley sends a cauldron of soup zooming to Hogwarts. Unfortunately it collided with the Hufflepuff ghost. What became of the soup?
Out of the flying pan, into the friar.

44. What substance does Snape clearly lack in his store cupboard?
Shampoo.

45. Why does Snape has perfect skin?
He's the lotions master.

46. Who is prone to eavesdropping?
Loose-ears Malfoy.

47. How do you keep a Dark Lord entertained?
With Bella's tricks.

48. What do you get if you blow up the wizard prison?
Azkabam!

49. What do you get if you blow up the wizard prison?
A mass-break out, fool.

50. What do you call a tree wearing really heavy boots?
The stomping willow.

51. Who is the cat burglar of Hogwarts?
Crookshanks.

52. What is SPEW?
An elf-help group.

53. Which teacher loves cheesy pop?
Madam Scooch.

54. Why was Professor Moody so particular about pronunciation?
He believed in consonant vigilance.

55. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting High Inquisitioner.
Interrupting Hi-
HEM HEM!

56. Why doesn't Potter mind being the centre of attention?
Because he lived under the stares.

57. Why was Harry cold on his eleventh birthday?
Cos yer a blizzard, 'arry.

58. What mode of transport makes you ill?
Travelling by flu.

59. What did Draco say the first time he saw McGonagall transfigure?
The cat's out of the bag.

60. What is the Dark Lord's favourite cake?
The Volde-tort.

61. What is the name of the Dark Lord's hideout?
The Volde-fort.

62. Where does the Dark Lord keep his boat?
The Volde-port.

63. What does the Dark Lord call his Pensieve?
The Volde-thought.

64. What does the Dark Lord call his pimple?
The Volde-wart.

65. What does the Dark Lord call his snake?
Nagini! Ha!

66. What is the Volde-fort made out of?
Volde-mortar.

67. What does Luna Lovegood do with her mouthwash?
Nargles for thirty seconds.

68. Which Death Eater cries a lot?
Narcissy Malfoy.

69. How do you keep a Horcrux safe?
You locket.

70. Which magical creature had extensive plastic surgery?
The STRAIGHT horned snorkack.

71. How does the Head of Gryffindor feel when she finds her students misbehaving?
McGonappauled.

72. Professor Trelawney lost her temper with Hermione and cursed her with bad breath.
The super-scowly fragile mystic hexed her halitosis!

73. Which ghost was most prominent in the Battle of Hogwarts?
The School Spirit.

74. Where do you find drunken pigs?
Hogsmeade.

75. Who is a very messy eater?
Viktor Crumb.

76. Who is the most disgusting French woman ever seen at Hogwarts?
Bleugh Delacour.

77. Which Quidditch team broke their brooms with their sheer weight?
The Chubby Cannons.

78. What did Harry say when he drove over an unmarked road hump?
It's the Camber of Secrets!

79. What happened when a fight broke out at the end of the Slytherin-Gryffindor game?
There was a huge ker-quaffle.

80. Who would you find in your cutlery drawer?
Fawkes.

81. Who makes up the history he teaches?
Professor Spinns.

82. What do you write an essay about thirst on?
Parchedment.

83. What do you get if you cross a Hippogryff with a Thestral?
I don't know, but for God's sake, bow!

84. What was Harry's reaction to the third task?
He was a-maze-d.

85. Who fires the fastest wand in the West?
The Draco Kid.

86. Why isn't Theodore a Death Eater?
Because he's Nott.

87. How many knees does Ron have?
Three. A left knee, a right knee and Hermio-knee.

88. Which dragon tastes like a vegetable?
The Swede-ish short snout.

89. Who monitors the Hogwarts Kitchens?
Elf and Safety.

90. Why are Harry's secrets never betrayed?
He always catches the Snitch.

91. Which Professor drinks cheap champagne?
Professor Bubbly-Plonk.

92. Which Minister murdered Dumbledore in the library with a candlestick?
Cluedo Bagman.

93. Why are Firebolts uncomfortable to ride on?
Cos they're bloody hot!

94. Why do Hogwarts students have breakfast in bed?
Because they sleep in four toaster beds.

95. Which house is underground?
The Burrow.

96. What kind of wizard is always wet?
A warloch.

97. Which Slytherin can run really fast?
Marcus Sprint.

98. Why is Draco such a good detective?
Because he always ferrets things out.

99. Which Quidditch team swears a lot?
The Foul-mouthed Falcons.

100. What cheese can you confide in?
The Camembert of Secrets.

101. What baked good features in the first Harry Potter book?
The Philosopher's Scone.

102. Which Gryffindor is always scheming?
Harry Plotter.

103. Who has a runny nose?
Harry Snotter.

104. What insect eats owl treats and delivers letters?
Earwig.

105. Which Gryffindor doesn't believe in team work?
The Lone Granger.


I apologise for everything. Suggestions welcome.

Deathly Hallows: Nineteen Years Later

I haven't posted here for ages. No apologies, I just didn't want to.

Anyway, having read the final Harry Potter book, and been as disappointed by it as any man of good taste might have been, I decided that the fluffy, poorly-written epilogue simply wasn't good enough.

To rectify this terrible shortcoming, I hereby proclaim what happened to all the characters, trying to remain canon-compliant as far as possible.


McGonagall: Transfigured herself into a pretty young witch and snagged an ex-pupil.
Draco: Married a random pretty young witch he met. Produced ugly child named Scorpius.
Molly Weasley: Exploded from general fatness. Left a widower.
Mr Weasley: Set up a wizarding pimping scheme. Died of VD.
Ginny: One of Mr Weasley's bitches. None of those kids are Potter's.
Harry: Thinks he's a proud parent.
Ron: Tripped down the stairs, landed backward and managed to accidentally bite his reproductive organs off.
Hermione: Thankful that she needn't bear anymore wizarding brats.
Neville: Killed Nagini and was so surprised he dropped the sword, piercing his heart. Debate continues over whether the sword killed him, or if he died from the shock of doing something useful first.
Goyle: Inadvertently became a Horcrux of Crabbe's.
Crabbe: Made an excellent baddie in the spinoff series 'Albus Severus Potter and ...'
Voldemort: Remained in Kings Cross station and killed Neo when The Matrix came out.
Lucius Malfoy: Sent diseased prostitutes to kill off Mr Weasley's rival pimp Gang.
Narcissa Malfoy: Came to regret going through so much trouble to save Draco when she finally learned what a snotty little bastard he is.
Andromeda Tonks: Attempted to drown Teddy several times.
Teddy Lupin: Just wouldn't die.
Victoire: Could never think of a polite way to tell Teddy to f*ck off. Eventually gave birth to several fluffy brats, the last of which mauled her to death. (Not at a full moon, but just for fun.)
Cho Chang: Never recovered from Cedric's death. Commited suicide. Birmingham mourned its one claim to fame for several years afterward, and holds an annual parade in her honour, which is poorly attended.
Luna: Was clawed to near-death by Nargles, but no one believed her. Died of her wounds in St Mungo's.
George: Died. Or was that Fred. Who cares. In any case, the one who survived managed to kill himself in a moment of idiocy, decades after his twin's death.
Fred: See George.
Assorted other Weasleys: Came down with VD. Suspected that they caught it from Mr Weasley.
Rest of the Wizarding World: Were glad the Weasley family tree was finally pruned.

SPOILER:
Albus Severus Potter: Kills himself in the sixth book after being bullied for being named Albus Severus.
Crabbe: Is victorious.

More suggestions welcome!

Ranting and General Bitchiness

I don't want to glorify or even give the impression of condoning the following link, but I suppose it is necessary to understand the context of this blog:
http://www.xanga.com/fckyoobyotch

Reading this blog made me realise that no one is ever going to bitch about me. And it's a shame, cos if people took the time to look beyond my flirty, friendly exterior, they'd find there is a perfect bastard residing underneath. But since no one is going to take the time to bitch me out, I thought I'd rant about myself instead.

Date: 29/01/07
Mood: Apathetic Enraged and female

omg i cant fcking believe that ethan guy. liek, who tf does he think he is? he just comes back frm uni now and then, and expects us all to be like 'woohoo yeah its ethan.' holy cow, i just wish he would like, stfu and die, cos he just is just one giant vagina crammed with crab pincers. srsly, he thinks hes like a fcking god or something. i wish people would see the truth about him. he pretends to be all that, but rly, he broke his leg ONE WEEK after leaving irc, he drinks too much and he hasnt had a steady gf since what? lst summer? what a fcking fag.

I hoep he trips ovr his own dick, falls off a cliff and dies impaled on enclaved's cok. Hes jst leik, such an effing slut! I HTE HIM!

So yeah, just felt like getting that out of my system. Another thought I had was that I don't bitch people out enough. I really should, but unlike the author of that xanga, I'm proud to put my hand up and say 'Yeh, I'm the bastard who denounced you as the son of a whore. Come and have a crack at me.'

So here's just something for you all to think about:

You're all a bunch of fucking tossers.

But I wouldn't like you any other way.

PS: Serious note: It's just irc. Lighten up, girls.

Pras and the Worst place to live.

First and foremost, a picture for Paras 'Pras' *Insert whatever your surname is here*

















In other news (literally), regardez the findings I've always known, finally proved by a bunch of baboons with questionnaires:

The Worst Place To Live In Britain Is...

London's district of Hackney has been slammed as the worst place to live in the UK, according to a poll. It came bottom of the heap out of all the UK's 434 local authorities based on five criteria - crime, environment, lifestyle, education and employment.

But there is good news for Hull as last year's worst place to live is not to be seen at all in the 2006 bottom 10. Also disappearing off the list since last year are Mansfield and Salford. But the repeat offenders are listed as the City of Nottingham, Strabane, Hackney, Middlesbrough, Blaenau Gwent and Merthyr Tydfil.

Hackney has its defenders though, with its mayor Jules Pipe, saying: "Of course Hackney has problems, as do all inner city boroughs, but it is an amazing place to live.

"It is diverse and exciting with fantastic architecture, a vibrant arts and cultural scene, and a bright future as an Olympic borough."

The research was carried out for Channel 4's The Best and Worst Places to Live in the UK: 2006.

Here are the results for the worst places to live:
1. Hackney, east London
2. Tower Hamlets, east London
3. Merthyr Tydfil, South Wales
4. Newham, east London
5. Islington, north London
6. Middlesbrough, North East
7. City of Nottingham, East Midlands
8. Strabane, County Tyrone, Northern Ireland
9. Blaenau Gwent, south Wales
10. Manchester, North West

(Source: Yahoo! UK News)

Really, I could've told you this ages ago, as partially evidenced by plenty of my blog posts. Luckily, I moved out of Hackney and currently reside in... the fifth worst place in the country. BOLLOCKS.

I'm such a bastard

Really, I try not to be such an arsehole, but some people make it too easy to take the piss. Take the below example - I tried so hard not to do it, honestly!

[23:00:15] (Docta) 17. In 1895 Juan---------- , president of Argentina (1946-55, 1973-74), born.
[23:00:21] (Chivalry) veron
[23:00:25] (Chivalry) pinochet
[23:00:31] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) valdez
[23:00:35] (Docta) Here's a hint, pe___
[23:00:38] (Chivalry) peron
[23:00:39] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) perez
[23:00:40] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) peron
[23:00:41] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) evita
[23:01:13] (Chivalry) perin
[23:01:18] (Chivalry) pelos
[23:01:25] (Chivalry) penin
[23:01:26] * Docta has quit IRC (Broken pipe)
[23:01:29] (Chivalry) damnit
[23:01:31] (Chivalry) Now I'll never know.
[23:02:20] (Chivalry) It was peron damnit
[23:02:23] (Chivalry) I knew it was
[23:02:24] (Chivalry) cf;jtprxjnmt
[23:02:40] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) lol
[23:02:44] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) you seems .... cute
[23:02:53] (Chivalry) ...
[23:02:57] (Chivalry) I'm a mean, nasty person.
[23:03:06] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) Really?
[23:03:09] (Chivalry) Yup.
[23:03:37] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) that's really bad self-esteem
[23:03:41] (Chivalry) No no
[23:03:46] (Chivalry) I'm very happy with myself.
[23:03:51] (Chivalry) I just happen to not be very nice to people.
[23:03:54] (Chivalry) And I'm ok with that.
[23:04:04] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) then why would you label yourself as a nasty person
[23:04:09] (Chivalry) To scare people away.
[23:04:19] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) that's not very good
[23:04:26] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) seems like you have avoidance issues
[23:04:29] (Chivalry) it is if you don't like people.
[23:05:04] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) not to sound too shrinky but are you just shy of meeting ppl so you scare them away only to rely on your friends to make other friends?
[23:05:55] (Chivalry) I'm not shy.
[23:05:59] (Chivalry) I'm hateful.
[23:06:01] (Chivalry) Difference!
[23:06:05] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) why?
[23:06:22] (Chivalry) I think it might be because my father abandoned us when I was young.
[23:06:32] (Chivalry) My mother never took it well.
[23:06:37] (Chivalry) She turned to alcohol and cigarettes.
[23:06:44] (Chivalry) I took up smoking when I was thirteen.
[23:06:51] (Chivalry) I've been drinking as long as I can remember.
[23:07:00] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how long have you been drinking
[23:07:01] (Chivalry) I just have a real tough time connecting with people who aren't like me.
[23:07:02] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) ?
[23:07:14] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) what IS like you?
[23:07:25] (Chivalry) I'm just.. just... this great, big, mess.
[23:07:29] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) coming from distraught families? cuz if it is then i'm pretty like you
[23:08:02] (Chivalry) And we never had much money growing up either
[23:08:09] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) my dad came out to my mom three years after i was born only to find out my mom's been cheating on him with his brother
[23:08:15] (Chivalry) my mum used to put me in dog-wrestling rings to pay for our groceries
[23:08:20] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) so my dad filed for divorce and my mom fought back
[23:08:23] (Chivalry) and I was only allowed cereal for two meals a day.
[23:08:28] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) OMG
[23:08:59] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how long have you been abused like that?
[23:09:02] (Chivalry) Well it was either that or put me on the streets
[23:09:07] (Chivalry) I understand her thinking now, it's ok.
[23:09:30] (Chivalry) The scars will fade in time.
[23:09:30] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) Have you any anger towards her?
[23:09:47] (Chivalry) The anger only comes out when I'm drunk.
[23:09:56] (Chivalry) And I can't afford to be drunk when I work two jobs.
[23:10:00] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) How often is that?
[23:10:02] (Chivalry) Three, if you include the weekend work.
[23:10:22] (Chivalry) Well, on my nights off I drink
[23:10:25] (Chivalry) I have nothing else to do
[23:10:30] (Chivalry) and when I have nothing to do I think too much
[23:10:38] (Chivalry) its better to drink until I become numb, inside and out.
[23:10:54] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) do you have a girlfriend? or a guy friend? or a boyfriend (No offense btw)?
[23:11:14] (Chivalry) I have a girlfriend and a daughter
[23:11:21] (Cheyan) o.O
[23:11:22] (Chivalry) and she says if I don't start paying support, she's going to sue
[23:11:26] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how old's your daughter?
[23:11:28] (Chivalry) But I don't have that kind of money
[23:11:32] (Chivalry) She's 4 months old
[23:11:34] (Chivalry) She's beautiful.
[23:11:38] (Chivalry) The apple of my eye
[23:11:41] (Cheyan) Chivalry, how old are you?
[23:11:45] (Chivalry) I'm twenty
[23:11:47] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) What about your wife?
[23:11:54] (Cheyan) Ah.
[23:11:55] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) how old is she?
[23:12:06] (Chivalry) She's 24, and she's not my wife.
[23:12:12] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) oh
[23:12:21] (Cheyan) Reminds me of my parents. Divorced when I was three or so, then my dad got a girlfriend a year later or so.
[23:12:37] (Chivalry) My father's been in and out of prison
[23:12:47] (Chivalry) Once he was only out for a few hours before he came round and beat me
[23:12:49] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) do you hate him?
[23:12:52] (Cheyan) I'm sorry. :/
[23:12:53] (Chivalry) and went straight back into custody.
[23:14:03] (Chivalry) Look, I'm sorry
[23:14:06] (Chivalry) I can't talk about this.
[23:14:08] (Chivalry) I've got to go.
[23:14:12] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) Well you know what Chivalry? It Will Get better
[23:14:12] (Cheyan) IT's alright.
[23:14:12] * Chivalry is now known as ChivAway
[23:14:13] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) much better
[23:14:32] (Cheyan) Feel better darling... I'm so sorry. :/
[23:14:38] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) stupid me

[23:19:16] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) hey nina.. warning
[23:19:21] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) when chivalry comes back
[23:19:23] (Nina) huh?
[23:19:36] (Yo_Madonna_PayUp) try not to say anything stupid, mean, demeaning, or act a bitch

Bible Bashing

[02:22:13] (Chels[far`far`away]) All of the nun's I've met are the sweetest people.
[02:22:31] (Warrington) Well no one expects a nun to headbutt you in the street and spit on you as you writhe in pain.
[02:22:39] (Lamina) ...
[02:22:47] (Lamina) AHH JILL STOP LAUGHING AT THAT MENTAL IMAGE.
[02:22:50] (Chels[far`far`away]) Warrington, think of the Good Samaritan school
[02:22:54] (Neutral`) ......
[02:22:56] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:22:59] (Lamina) lmao
[02:23:02] (Chels[far`far`away]) oops
[02:23:02] (Chels[far`far`away]) I mean...
[02:23:04] (Chels[far`far`away]) Good Samaritan story
[02:23:13] (Warrington) And that would be?
[02:23:24] (Chels[far`far`away]) You don;t know the story of the Good Samaritan?
[02:23:29] (Warrington) I'm one of those heathens that don't follow the bible, sweetcheeks.
[02:23:37] (Lamina) ..cheeks
[02:23:38] (Neutral`) ive never even touched a bible..
[02:23:39] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:23:42] (Chels[far`far`away]) I thought EVERYONE knew about the story of the Good Samaritan...
[02:23:43] (Lamina) me either...
[02:23:49] (Neutral`) er not everyone is christian?
[02:23:51] (Lamina) ..not i!
[02:23:55] (Warrington) See how brainwashed you are?
[02:23:55] (Lamina) i know noah's ark though
[02:23:59] (Lamina) it was on rugrats
[02:24:02] (Neutral`) lmao salina
[02:24:03] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:24:04] (Lamina) lmao..
[02:24:07] (Warrington) If they teach all the kids in a 3rd world country hte same stuff
[02:24:13] (Warrington) they become dependant on the church.
[02:24:17] (Chels[far`far`away]) Noah's Ark and Good Sam are the two most known stories of the bible.
[02:24:20] (Neutral`) yeah, basically
[02:24:21] (Warrington) All their knowledge becomes church based.
[02:24:29] (Chels[far`far`away]) I don't become dependant on my church
[02:24:34] (Warrington) Opiate of the masses.
[02:24:34] (Chels[far`far`away]) I don't even follow my Religion that well.
[02:24:37] (Lamina) what about the genius
[02:24:38] (Lamina) er
[02:24:39] (Lamina) genisis..
[02:24:40] (Neutral`) ..
[02:24:42] (Lamina) genesis
[02:24:42] (Lamina) ...
[02:24:44] (Chels[far`far`away]) ohhh
[02:24:45] (Chels[far`far`away]) yes
[02:24:46] (Neutral`) i see that on jeopardy..
[02:24:47] (Chels[far`far`away]) Garden of Edan
[02:24:48] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:24:49] (Lamina) lmao...
[02:24:50] (Lamina) er yeah
[02:24:55] (Lamina) where mary is bitten by an apple
[02:24:56] (Lamina) er snake
[02:24:57] (Warrington) Eden*
[02:24:59] (Chels[far`far`away]) and Adam and Eve.
[02:25:00] (Neutral`) ................................
[02:25:00] (Chels[far`far`away]) lmao
[02:25:02] (Neutral`) salina......
[02:25:04] (Lamina) ......
[02:25:07] (Neutral`) ........
[02:25:10] (Lamina) er wait
[02:25:12] (Lamina) mary bites an apple
[02:25:14] (Lamina) and
[02:25:16] (Chels[far`far`away]) noooooooo
[02:25:17] (Lamina) jesus is bitten by a snake
[02:25:19] (Chels[far`far`away]) EVE bit the apple.
[02:25:19] (Lamina) wait
[02:25:20] (Lamina) adam
[02:25:21] (Chels[far`far`away]) wtf?
[02:25:22] (Lamina) ..................
[02:25:23] (Lamina) LOL
[02:25:26] (Warrington) And then King Julian turns up
[02:25:27] (Lamina) LOLLL
[02:25:28] (Chels[far`far`away]) You seriously don't know that story...
[02:25:29] (dabc) lmao
[02:25:30] (Warrington) and they all like to move it move it
[02:25:31] (dabc) WHAT BIBLE DID YOU READ
[02:25:32] (Lamina) LOL.
[02:25:33] (Warrington) and God steps in
[02:25:34] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:25:35] (Warrington) and he's all
[02:25:36] (dabc) lmaooo
[02:25:37] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLL
[02:25:40] (Warrington) "dude that's not kosher"
[02:25:43] (dabc) THEN ADAM DRANK MOUNTAIN DEW
[02:25:43] (Warrington) so he floods the world.
[02:25:45] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
[02:25:46] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:25:48] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:25:48] (Warrington) And moses builds an ark.
[02:25:53] (dabc) to party i
[02:25:54] (dabc) in*
[02:25:57] (dabc) but only animals showed up
[02:25:58] (Chels[far`far`away]) Noah's Ark isn't even in that chapter of the bible...
[02:26:02] (Lamina) and then joseph marries three wise men
[02:26:07] (Neutral`) ahhhhhhh the bible gives me a headache
[02:26:08] (dabc) yea
[02:26:10] * Neutral` leaves for awhile
[02:26:12] (Warrington) And they had a big boat party
[02:26:13] (Lamina) lmao
[02:26:14] (Lamina) jill
[02:26:23] (Warrington) And the ants marched in two by two
[02:26:26] (Warrington) hurrah, hurrah.
[02:26:26] (Chels[far`far`away]) This isn't the bible, Jill lol
[02:26:28] (Neutral`) ......
[02:26:30] (Lamina) ...
[02:26:30] (Neutral`) lmfaooooo
[02:26:30] (Lamina) LOL
[02:26:31] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLLLLLLL
[02:26:33] (Neutral`) lmfaoooooooo
[02:26:37] (Lamina) LOLLLLLLLL YOU GUYS
[02:26:39] (Lamina) THATS SO HORRIBLE
[02:26:40] (Neutral`) lmfaooooooo
[02:26:42] (Warrington) And in the revised version
[02:26:43] (Lamina) to make fun LOLLLLLLLLL
[02:26:44] (Neutral`) ahhhh its so funny
[02:26:46] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:26:47] (Lamina) LOLLLL
[02:26:48] (Warrington) Moses SWATS THE TWO MOSQUITOS
[02:26:50] (Chels[far`far`away]) Paul do you know the story of the Good Samaritan?
[02:26:51] (dabc) LMAO
[02:26:52] (Lamina) LOLLLLLL
[02:26:53] (dabc) yea!
[02:26:54] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:26:57] (dabc) didnt he breakdance for scrilla
[02:27:00] (dabc) down at the bazaar
[02:27:00] (Neutral`) ....
[02:27:01] (Lamina) ....
[02:27:02] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:27:02] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:27:04] (Lamina) Lmao......
[02:27:05] (dabc) and then moses was like YO
[02:27:09] (dabc) I turn my cane into a snake
[02:27:10] (Lamina) and then the ants again?
[02:27:11] (dabc) and he breakdances
[02:27:13] (dabc) and gets more scrilla then me
[02:27:14] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:27:16] (Chels[far`far`away]) Good Sam is in the NEW Testament...
[02:27:16] (Lamina) Lmao
[02:27:17] (dabc) I QUIT
[02:27:21] (dabc) then he led some jews
[02:27:23] (dabc) into a desert
[02:27:24] (Chels[far`far`away]) The other stories are in the OLD Testament.
[02:27:24] (Lamina) why do you have tests in the bible?
[02:27:26] (dabc) or took them out for dessert
[02:27:30] (Warrington) lol
[02:27:30] (dabc) somethin like that
[02:27:34] (Chels[far`far`away]) We don't have tests...
[02:27:37] (Warrington) And they wandered about for 40 years
[02:27:39] (dabc) actually
[02:27:40] (Warrington) looking for a restaurant
[02:27:43] (Chels[far`far`away]) I've never read the bible..
[02:27:44] (Neutral`) ...
[02:27:45] (dabc) i went to a private christian school
[02:27:48] (Warrington) alas, they couldn't find one that did a good banana split.
[02:27:49] (dabc) for about 4 years
[02:27:53] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:27:54] (dabc) so i know pretty much everything in the bible
[02:27:59] (dabc) i used to have to memeorize like scriptures
[02:28:05] * Neutral` sprays paul with bible spray
[02:28:05] (Chels[far`far`away]) The did wander for 40 years in the desert, Warrington... but not for a restaurant for somehwere to reside.
[02:28:05] (dabc) and then recite them
[02:28:07] (dabc) IT BURNS
[02:28:16] (Neutral`) lmao....
[02:28:16] (Warrington) Oh really Chelsea
[02:28:18] (Chels[far`far`away]) We've never had to read the bible
[02:28:21] (Chels[far`far`away]) Only parts of it.
[02:28:22] (Warrington) what a LUCKY COINCIDENCE
[02:28:27] (Warrington) that I should choose 40 years!
[02:28:28] (Lamina) lmao for a restaruant
[02:28:29] (Warrington) :o
[02:28:32] (Neutral`) lmao..
[02:28:33] (Lamina) lmao..
[02:28:35] (Lamina) ...
[02:28:37] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:28:39] (Lamina) is that when
[02:28:40] (Lamina) the king of egypt
[02:28:42] (Warrington) And anyway,
[02:28:42] (Lamina) made that
[02:28:44] (Lamina) break in the nile
[02:28:45] (dabc) jesus was the first emo he cut cut cut cut for our sins
[02:28:45] (Warrington) they find a restaurant
[02:28:49] (Lamina) and all the jewish
[02:28:49] (Warrington) then
[02:28:49] (Neutral`) ....
[02:28:50] (Neutral`) lmfao
[02:28:50] (Lamina) followed him
[02:28:51] (Lamina) to freedom
[02:28:51] (Warrington) Aaron was all like
[02:28:56] (Warrington) "moses thinks this is whack"
[02:28:57] (Warrington) cos
[02:29:00] (Warrington) there was NO SPACE
[02:29:00] (Lamina) it was seafood?
[02:29:01] (Warrington) AT THE INN
[02:29:05] (Lamina) OH NO
[02:29:06] (Lamina) AHHHHHHHH
[02:29:07] (Neutral`) o_o
[02:29:09] (Warrington) And so Moses had to sleep in a manger
[02:29:11] (Lamina) and then
[02:29:12] (dabc) lmao
[02:29:12] (Lamina) two marching ants
[02:29:13] (Warrington) and get chomped by donkeys all night.
[02:29:13] (Neutral`) did they have to sleep in his car =/
[02:29:14] (Neutral`) oh
[02:29:16] (Neutral`) :(
[02:29:19] (Warrington) But he enjoyed it really
[02:29:26] (Warrington) and recommended it to his mate Joseph
[02:29:26] (Lamina) moses had to sleep in a manger.............
[02:29:27] (Lamina) ................
[02:29:33] (Lamina) lmao...........
[02:29:37] (Warrington) Whose wife he had knocked up on the sly.
[02:29:39] (dabc) loL
[02:29:42] (dabc) aww wittle moses
[02:29:44] (dabc) with his lil beard
[02:29:44] (Neutral`) o_o
[02:29:49] (Lamina) ..lmao
[02:29:54] (Warrington) Thus the virgin mary gave birth to a kid in the manger in the stable
[02:29:58] (Warrington) and they named him
[02:30:00] (Warrington) Brian.
[02:30:07] (Neutral`) ...
[02:30:09] (Warrington) And then a Monty Python movie was made about it.
[02:30:18] (Chels[far`far`away]) ...
[02:30:22] (Neutral`) lmao
[02:30:26] (dabc) pch virgin my ass, i seen her behind the gym with the king
[02:30:28] (dabc) GETTIN HER MARY ON

More Random Quotes

* Cho pokes ethan "hey ethan <3">
-A-Samantha[DND]- SMOOTH, SAM.
-A-Samantha[DND]- LOL, I was close to saying it in padfoot, but i wont spoil your fun

(Malfoy) rofl
(Malfoy) Pory
(Malfoy) You ass!
(A-Samantha[DND]) O.O
(A-Samantha[DND]) What?
(Malfoy) whois me, fool
(A-Samantha[DND]) ....
(A-Samantha[DND]) Uh..
(A-Samantha[DND]) ......
(Malfoy) Malfoy is ~Draco@B9D58BD0.1782D093.89698C46.IP * Rampant Heathen
(A-Samantha[DND]) I know
(A-Samantha[DND]) I just..
(A-Samantha[DND]) Wtf!
(Malfoy) hahahaha
(A-Samantha[DND]) >.<
(Malfoy) rofl
(Malfoy) Oh that is being blogged.
(A-Samantha[DND]) But WAIT
(A-Samantha[DND]) You're NOT Ethan
(A-Samantha[DND]) ..
(A-Samantha[DND]) I swear you're not.
(Malfoy) Who am I then?
(Malfoy) I mock j00 foreverz0rz
(A-Samantha[DND]) ..
(A-Samantha[DND]) But
(A-Samantha[DND]) jdsfsfdshfsjfhs
(A-Samantha[DND]) /quit

* Arthur_Weasley is now known as LordVoldemort
(LordVoldemort) Ethan
(Malfoy) Yeah?
(LordVoldemort) What happened to dear loki?
(Malfoy) Do you miss him/
(LordVoldemort) Very much
(Malfoy) haha
(Malfoy) yeah he's a good guy
(Malfoy) I thought you didn't like him.
(LordVoldemort) Yeah
(LordVoldemort) I allways liked him
(LordVoldemort) He was funny
(LordVoldemort) Do you still talk to him
(Malfoy) Yeah sometimes.
(Malfoy) Strange conversations.
(Malfoy) I think he might actually be insane.

(Malfoy) "I don't know what it is that makes me feel alive, I don't know how to wake the things that sleep inside, I only want to see the light that shines behind your eyes" ~ Oasis "Acquiesce"
* AnnBrb is now known as Ann
(Chels) Ethan I'm confused
(Chels) :((

(Monty) Gandhi had some lame moments.

(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) i have a huuge request
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and if oyu do it
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) you'll be the best ever
(Draco) I already am the best ever.
(Draco) You're just too blind to see it.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) lol
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) this will open my eyes
(Draco) I dunno. I don't like the sound of 'huuge request'.
(Draco) It’s usually followed by something like
(Draco) "I have an ugly sister who needs a date for the prom"

(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) hey how is your adhd
(Monty) Cya /me smooches

(Monty) Is it "Ignore Ethan Day"?
(Monty) Cos I wish I had got that memo before I stayed up all night waiting for you to log on.

(Monty) i feel so tired and achey :(
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) why
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) are you coming down with the ol' bird flu
(Monty) I must've caught it off Rich's bird.
(Monty) But don't tell him.
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) haha
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) they found a dead bird at surrey quays which made me laugh
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) cause you see the state of that little water pond
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) probably died of depression
(Monty) lol
(Monty) "my life is shit." -dying squawk-
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) lol
(*) Patches O'Houlihan (*) aww

(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) loha
(Spazmo) Heyhey
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) what is up
(Spazmo) Ceilings!
(Spazmo) Nothing more than ceilings!
(Spazmo) Trying to forget myyyyy
(Spazmo) ceilings of paaaaaint
(Spazmo) Ceiliiiing
(Spazmo) Whoaaa
(Spazmo) Ceilings!
(Spazmo) whoooaaa
(Spazmo) Ceiilings!
(Spazmo) Hang on my mind!
(Spazmo) Ceiiiilings
(Spazmo) whoaaaa
(Spazmo) Ceiiiliiiing
(Spazmo) s
(Spazmo) whoooaaa
(Spazmo) Ceilings!
(Spazmo) And they're all quite hiiiiiigh

(Spazmo) I didnt get any easter eggs.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) i know
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) my mother put five pounds in my bank account
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) so i could buy one haha
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) so i went yesterday
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and got one of those expensive ones for 2.49
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) bargain!
(Spazmo) Thorntons?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) no just those double cadbury ones
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) the egg within an egg
(Spazmo) Oh.
(Spazmo) Thorntons had a massive sale.
(Spazmo) all their eggs were one or two quid.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) wow
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) did you try and fertilize em
(Spazmo) I made some of them creme eggs, yeah.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) hahaha
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) lmao
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) thats so filthy

(Cunning Linguist) What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) the magician's wand doesnt beat random passing black people
(Cunning Linguist) Actually that's a cool answer too.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) what was your answer
(Cunning Linguist) huh?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) the end of your joke
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) truncheon wand
(Cunning Linguist) eh?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) fuucks sake fool
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) whats the difference between a policeman's truncheon
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and a magician
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) that was you im sure
(Cunning Linguist) I dunno. What is the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magician?
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) you asked ME that
(Cunning Linguist) Oh. I thought you asked me.
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) no you asked me
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) and isaid about a black man being beaten up
(*) Patches O’Houlihan (*) what was the answer
(Cunning Linguist) 42.